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The big move is happenin tomorrow...

We have had quite the challenging week. Hubs and I each got sick at different times, slowing down many productive things we wanted to do. In fact, we are moving in tomorrow with nothing on our list completed.

The fact that I cannot cross anything off of my imaginary list sent me into an internal rage today, which quickly turned into an external whinefest. Until I really stood for a moment and thought about it.

The Lord has blessed us with a house! And more importantly, He has blessed me with an amazing husband, fantastic children, and friends who have gone above and beyond in their acts of kindness (really, they have blown me away). So if the flooring never gets finished, and the walls never get a second coat of paint in the bedroom, does that change the fact that we are beyond blessed? And when it comes down to it, would I rather have my to do list done, or have relationships flourishing?

Thank you, Lord, for some much-needed perspective this evening! May the words I speak come from a heart that is overflowing with gratitude from all of your extravagent blessings.

20 things you probably won't hear me say...

Inspired by BooMama's post today:

1. "No thanks, I don't care for cake."
2. "I don't like white cheddar and nacho popcorn."
3. "Does this make me look fat?"
4. "Why yes, I would like to help you landscape your yard."
5. "I am not a stress eater."
6. "I don't need any more babysitting offers."
7. "I wish I could work outside my home."
8. "Last month I was featured in the article entitled 'How to Declutter Your Life'."
9. "I have so much free-time I just don't know what to do with it all."
10. "I would rather do something productive than relational any day."
11. "I will never vacation with out my children."
12. "I have enough shoes."
13. "Would you like to see my menu plans for 2009?"
14. "Can I have more brussel sprouts?"
15. "You sound just like your mother."
16. "I can't wait for the next yard sale."
17. "That dessert is too rich, I can't even eat it."
18. "Honey, quit your job, we have too much money."
19. "I don't want to go on vacation, let's just stay home."
20. "I live and die by my to-do list."

So, tell me friends, what are some things we may never hear you say?

a high calling

Due to recent events, I have become acutely aware of what a miracle my Cpl Cutie is (and all other children for that matter). Today I was reflecting on my calling as a mother. If you have children, I believe it is your first and most important job. No matter what other jobs you may have, being a mom is still your full-time work.

I love being a mom. I love that it is my one and only career at this point in my life. I am so thankful for God's grace in allowing me to continue growing and changing in this area, because sometimes, I feel as though I don't do it very well. Sometimes, I think if I were my boss, I would have to put myself on an improvement plan. On the days when we get up 3-6 times a night and don't eat breakfast and whine from the moment her feet hit the ground, I can easily lose my perspective. On the days when her temper flares and she tantrums over everything and smacks me out of frustration, in those moments, I quickly lose my appreciation for my job. I am quick to complain and easily annoyed. And on the days when I am the tired and cranky one, it can be even worse.

But, then something happens, and I remember that nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. I live my life as though she will be here tomorrow. And I hope and I pray that she will be, that I will be. But, we are not promised tomorrow. I am only promised today. I need to live out every day with that perspective. I want to keep it at the forefront of my mind, of my life. I want to savor every moment of every day. Even the hard ones. I will still need breaks from her, and she from me. But, during the times we are together, I want to really BE with her. I want to listen to what she has to say. I want to memorize those expressive faces she makes. I want to get dirty with her. I want to sing songs and make up silly dances. I want to play doctor and give the baby kisses. I want to make messes with glitter glue and markers. And, I want to teach her to use her words to resolve conflict. I want to put her in timeout when she needs it. Frankly, I want to put myself in timeout when I need it. I want to remind her 10 times a day how much her dad and I love her, and that Jesus loves her "the most". I want to go to the pantry 14 times a day and clean up the living room 4 times a day. I want to watch Barney, yet again. I want to change disgusting diapers and clean poop up off the floor. Well, truthfully, that last one I could live without. But, my point is that I wouldn't give up any of it. Because I know it is a package deal. I don't get the smiles and the hugs and the expressive looks without the other stuff.

She trusts me fully. And I need to appreciate that for what it is. She trusts me with the good, the bad and the ugly. And I need to live in such a way that honors that. Because I know the truth: If I can't take it all, she will eventually stop showing me all of herself. And that, my friends, would be a tragedy.

Lord, thank you for this little girl. Thank you for bringing her to our family. She is such a joy. You know my frustrations. Thank you for granting me grace as I continue to figure out this whole mom-thing. Thank you for covering my mistakes in her life. I know there will be so many more. And I know that you are more than capable of making up the difference in her life. And that you are faithful to do so. That takes the pressure off of us to do it perfect. Because I can't do it perfect. Not even close. Only You can. Thank you for loving her even more than I do. Remind me daily to enjoy her. I love you Jesus. Amen

Just to throw you off, some randomness...

Because we are at a whirlwind moment in our lives, I am resorting to a list format:

• We signed docs today on our house. Praying we get the keys by Friday so we can do the song and dance that is called flooring and paint before move in date.
• Tuesday, Cpt Mom was witnessing a moment where a boy barfed all over his dad in Chick-Fil-A. I laughed. And then my own boy leaked poop on me.
• NEVER laugh at other people's kids barfing.
• Because What Not To Wear barfed this morning. Three times. 109 degrees and a little dehydration will do that to ya.
• I'm pretty sure God got a chuckle out of that!
• Have I mentioned that "Glamorous" is my theme song?
• I ditto Cpt's sentiments about the Sprinkles cupcakes.
• I should also say as we were discussing them, I was sharing with her what days of the week certain cupcakes are sold.
• Because I know the calendar, even though I have only been there one time.
• That is what I like to call a "problem."
• My husband told me I was random yesterday.
• He sometimes likes to state the obvious.
• I cannot wait to go to CA for our family vacation.
• I interrupt people WAY.TOO.MUCH.
• I am trying to stop.
• I have a looooooooooong way to go.
• What Not To Wear is almost out for summer vacation.
• I'm pretty sure she just started kindergarten yesterday.

Oh Sprinkles...

...how I love you.

Our first experience with Sprinkles cupcakes was a little bit of a disappointment after all the hype over gourmet cupcakes. The Racer and I both felt they were a little dry. But, because I fell for the hype and the allure of cake, I vowed to give them another chance. Major Hunk and I were at a resort this weekend that was within walking distance of the deliciousness. So, I cruised on over on Saturday while he worked. There was a line of probably 50 people waiting in the heat to get to them. There was no way I was going to do that with a sleepy toddler, so we moved on. But, my interest was piqued and I decided to head over again on Sunday and press my luck. There were only a few people in the store, so I ventured in.

Well, I have to tell you. Those people are serious about their cupcakes. They wrap them up to ensure the freshness. They wrap them like you are not going to eat them in your car or something. After I got into them, I decided that we must have gotten a bad batch at the out of town store. These were UH-MAY-ZING.

The point of this random post is I am thankful that this place is not close to my home. Because that melt in my mouth cake and thick frosting would be difficult to resist. If you have one in your town, it is worth the drive.

the box

I love it when God uses a situation to remind me of His bigness. (Is that a word?)

I had a situation tonight that had me sick to my stomach. I was so sure that I knew how it was going to go down that it was really making my stomach hurt. The Racer, in her God-given wisdom told me to "just make the call". And I am so glad that I did. It really turned out the opposite of what I had envisioned. Without realizing it, I had put my God in a box. It never once crossed my mind that this conversation would have gone this way, in such a positive manner.

How often do I do that in life? I decide in my head how a situation will turn out. I will base it on previous experiences. My teaching background says I should base my plans on prior knowledge. Only, I have come to find out that this doesn't work for relationships. This limits people. If I go into a situation making presumptions based on history, then I am not allowing people the room to grow and change. I don't like it when people put me in a box and assume that I will do/say a certain thing just because I have acted that way in the past. I want to be allowed to learn lessons and change. I want to be able to grow and change as the Lord leads me. And I need to extend that to others.

How often have I pushed someone right back into their little box after they have fought long and hard to get out of there? Lord, thank you for this lesson tonight. I needed to hear it.

stuff

Well, I did not, in fact forget about my challenge to find my favorite post. Life got busy again and I hadn't had time to read over the past year's posts. After a brief skim, these two stood out: this and this. The first is for obvious reasons. It was one of the first times I had recognized that I, in fact, had been living on pins and needles. The second post is a great one that the Racer wrote on freedom. Reading it again, gave me a good reminder of extending grace. And that I can't really expect grace from non-believers when we believers struggle with it so. That's some good stuff.

Well, just after I wrote this post, I was given some opportunities to love like Jesus. Because our God is faithful, people. I was given an opportunity to love someone right where she was at. I just love how God delivers. He allowed me to learn some insightful lessons about myself while loving on someone else who really needed it that day. I also learned that I definitely need more practice in this area of my life. So, I imagine that means more opportunities are coming my way.

Today I was able to share in a milestone in What Not to Wear's life. I am sure her mama has some things to say about it, so I will let her share with you. But, let me just tell you that it made me reflect on my precious little girl and how fast she is growing up. Girls, I hope you dance...

I am off to a resort with my little family. My hubs has to work, but we will get some family time together in the evenings. Woo hoo!

Happy weekending!

Milestone

This morning, with the assistance of his PEC book, Dirty Job said his first 3 word sentence.

"I want school."

On the outside, I high fived him and told him "Good talking. That's a good job."

On the inside, my heart shouted praises to my God who invites me to hope.

I'm off to write in a baby book and have myself a little church up in here!

On the Anvil

So, I've begun reading through the past year of nonsense that is our blog. And some of what I've read resounds with a message I watched last night. It was Louis Giglio's Hope dvd. He made a statement about suffering being the megaphone for the message of our heart.

So what has my heart message been this last year? The first year we have waded through an autism diagnosis? Umm, I'm more than embarrassed to say that the message looked a whole lot like "why me" and "poor me, " and even more embarrassing "screw you." That diagnosis rocked my world in such a way that I built up a wall and punished people for not being mind readers. All of my insecurities were in full force, and I very much made everyone out to be an enemy based on the comments of a couple of people. I mentioned this briefly in this post.

I'm so sad that I wasted opportunities. Mourning the harsh words I've spoken. Wishing I would have done it better. That my message would have been that my God is good, that He is faithful. Where I am today speaks that message better (most definitely not perfectly) , but it would've been to my benefit to reach that point much sooner.

Alongside the sadness, I am overwhelmingly grateful for a Father who never let go, even in my biggest temper tantrums. He, each moment, allowed me the opportunity to go to Him, and even when my rejection hurt Him, He opened His arms again.

Grace. It blows me away every time.

Excuse me now, I have some apologies to make...

Is it called a blogiversary?

I just looked back and we have stumbled upon our one year of throwing out our random thoughts into the blogsphere. Oh, the excitement.

But, really, I sat tonight and looked back on some of our old posts. It is fun to know that we have recorded the past year of our lives here on this blog. I think the Racer and I strive to give a true picture of who we are and where we are at during our posts. It is fun to see how much we have changed in a year's time. We have shrunk in sizes and grown in our relationships with our God and our families. And, I think we have doubled or quadrupled our readers, tipping the charts at 4 or 8 or something like that :)

So, my challenge to the Racer is for each of us to find a favorite post and link to it.

I have a lot of reading to do...

Food for thought: Isn't the first anniversary represented by paper? Oh, the irony.

lessons in awkwardness

Well, I just know you are oh, so, curious to hear my mother's day review. I just had to check in, as to not disappoint.

It was a great mother's day overall. I got to spend the day with the man who helped me realize my dream of becoming a mother. And, that my friends, I should not ever take for granted. We have a limited amount of time together, and he treasures every moment of our couple time. I, on the other hand, am distractable and unfocused. Hopefully, I can get it together and clearly see the blessing I have in him as my husband and father of our child.

The memorial service can be summed up this way...oh, the awkwardness.

I was able to see such grace in my husband yesterday. In the past, he has shown impatience at these types of events. There is history here that I won't get into, but suffice it to say, this was not our first awkward family occasion. My man was grace in action yesterday. He let the hurtful comments roll off his back, or the Lord covered his ears and he didn't even hear them. He helped with set up and clean up. He gladly did what he was asked even when it sounded odd to him. He sang beautifully. And most importantly, he spoke the truth in love when he was asked for his opinion on the service. He was such an example to me.

It is times like these that I am reminded of how much God loves every single one of us. It doesn't matter if we are quirky, awkward or say things that are plain out rude, He loves us just as we are. I want to be like that.

I want to love people more. I want to be less judgmental. I want to have more patience with people when I don't agree with their choices. Basically, I want to be more like the Christ whom I love so much.

a Mother's Day post

Today is set to be an unusual mother's day to say the least. It should be memorable.
Here are some things I already know about this mother's day.

• This is my first mother's day that Major Hunk is here to celebrate with me. Yay!
  
• He bought me some really cool and thoughtful gifts! Remote start when it can get to be approximately 900 degrees outside? Very thoughtful, indeed!
• We will spend our afternoon at his grandmother's memorial service.
• She died 5 months ago.
• Apparently there is some kind of talent showcase planned.
• And last night our corsages were dropped off. We were told it is formal dress.
• ???????????????????????????????????????
• Currently, my toddler is sitting on the floor behind me singing some sort of made up song to the tune of ABC's. It goes something like this: "mommy, mommy, akfiodeknfdsofudi, mommy, mommy, fhdisohfdfsdfo, da, da, da" Apparently, it is her mother's day tribute. She's a genius. I didn't even know she could read a calendar.

And yes, all of the above are true. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to.

Happy Mother's Day, friends! Go make memories with your family today.

ps: say a special prayer for all those moms that we know and those we don't know who are grieving tender losses this mother's day.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

The Good:

-Dirty Jobs had a great check up with his pediatrician. He is talking more, listening/responding better, and frankly is cute as pie (and I adore pie).

-What Not To Wear is finished with homework for the rest of the kindergarten year. She also finished her first set of swim lessons and was promoted to the next level...yay. WNTW also keeps telling me that I am going to cry at her graduation. That is likely to happen. She knows her mama well.

-My Deadliest Catch is willing to put new flooring into the new house's living room and hallway before we move in. Which means no ugly blue carpet except in the bedrooms.

- I packed some boxes and I have maintain my weight at 131. I also made appointments with a dermatologist and the ob/gyn.

-Cpt Mom and I have been eating some delicious vegetables and there has been no ice cream in my house since Sunday. This, my friends, is what we call a miracle.


The Bad:

- Dirty Job still does not have his 2nd session of speech therapy due to a typo. Yes, a typo. This has been going on for months now.

- WNTW has been extra whiny. I don't know if it's end of the year blues, tiredness from swimming lessons or both. I'm ready for the WHINING TO STOP ALREADY.

- We cannot, because of ridiculous scheduling, move on a weekend. So we have to move on a Friday. When all of our friends work. Nice. My Deadliest Catch also has to take that same Friday off to do a sound check/rehearsal for a wedding. I am selfish and like days off to be fun, carefree, and family oriented. We absolutely love the peeps getting married. Like I said, it's just selfishness.

- I spit my Diet Cherry Pepsi out from laughing too hard during lunch on Cinco de Mayo. This par-tay foul is all too common in my life.

The Ugly

- Dirty Job dumped an entire bottle of shampoo out onto himself and then proceeded to slip and slide all over the empty bathtub. He also very intentionally drop kicked the Cutie today...totally RUDE.

-What Not To Wear had to point out my obvious bad attitude and awful temper today. Embarrassing.

- I have acne that rivals teens and I haven't been to the ob/gyn since '05. Not good.

-I'm running around accomplishing nothing, I'm super tired to the point of it being ridiculous, I have no patience, no kindness, and heaps of guilt.

A Random Update

• Summer is coming and it is getting hot!
• The Lord is teaching me some things. As I look over the past year or so, I don't think I have ever been as hard-headed. It's not that I don't want to learn the lessons, I do. I really do. I just have been so distracted that I have difficulty focusing on what He is telling me. What frustration I must cause my Father!
• I want to enroll the Cutie in some type of summer rec program, but I haven't figured out which. Maybe singing or dance. Is there anything cuter than a group of two year olds singing or dancing? I think not.
• Well, maybe this...At our last mommies night out, we were at an outdoor shopping center and there was a band playing. There was a small group of men from a special needs group home. Two of the men were dancing the night away. They were making requests and dancing non-stop. One of them was a real charmer. It was precious. They were having a blast and they made many people smile that night.
• Our house went into escrow. It appears that we actually are buying our first home. Wow.
• I packed 3 boxes this week. At this rate, I should be ready to move in about 3-4...years. Here's hoping I can find some motivation!

Have a great Thursday, everyone!

Grief

I was told last week that I need to grieve.

Grieve the loss of time with my husband.
Grieve the loss that my little girl and her dad didn't get to "know" each other until 2 years into her life and that they are still stumbling through that territory.
Grieve the most recent loss of Baby Blues, for his family but also for myself and what it means to me as his aunt.
And I need to grieve the loss of the woman I was, the woman who thought there were things in this life that were sacred. The woman who subconsciously thought that there were "safe" areas in life. Areas that presumed there would be a tomorrow.

I need to grieve. And I don't know how.

My emotions have always been an area where I have control issues. I like to be in control of my emotions. This makes grief a scary place. Grief is not controllable. And each time I control it, then I am not really grieving. Each time I pull myself away from the edge, I deny myself the experience.

But, even though it is scary, even though it is out of my control, I know that I must. Because even though my grief is scary, my God is bigger. And I know that He will be there through it all.

Would you pray with me?

Passing the Torch

Our kids are growing up. They are growing and changing right before our eyes.

It seemed like just yesterday I heard the Racer explaining to What Not to Wear that "if you are going to wear that nightgown to the store, you have to wear shorts or pants under it". Like just yesterday that I was saying to her, on a daily basis, "Wow, what a fancy outfit you have on today. Most excellent choice." A couple of years ago, What Not to Wear was tearing it up in the fashion department with her mis-matched, random combos.

Then, just the other day, she asked me, "Why is Cutie wearing pajamas?" I told her that's what she wanted to wear today. "But, why?" she wondered.

It seems the torch may have been passed.

Here's proof:

reflection

A precious life was celebrated today. She was a wife, a mom, a teacher and a friend. She will always be Ms Mary to me. We worked together. She was a teacher's aide in my classroom and in my team teacher's classroom for years. No matter how long we worked together, she refused to call me anything but "Mrs." my last name. No matter that she was 25 years my senior.

Ms Mary's life touched the lives of so many through her huge extended family and her 25 years of teaching. The things that stand out to me the most are her faith in a God who never left her, even when she was widowed at a young age. The same faith that made her strong and unafraid when the doctor discovered the cancer that had ravaged her body. The same God who walked with her when she traveled from chemo straight back to school because she didn't want to leave "her kids". And the same God that she came to me and asked me to pray to when the days were hard. We would stand in my classroom before or after school, holds hands, and pray to the One who never left her side. I am so thankful for these precious memories.

He was there with her when she took her last breath. He is there with her today as she worships Him without earthly limits. And, I know, that Ms Mary was able to leave this earth confident that He stood ready to comfort her family during this time.

My life is better for having known her. And I am not the only one.

I hope my life can reflect God as brightly as hers did.