Thursday, May 22, 2008

a high calling

Due to recent events, I have become acutely aware of what a miracle my Cpl Cutie is (and all other children for that matter). Today I was reflecting on my calling as a mother. If you have children, I believe it is your first and most important job. No matter what other jobs you may have, being a mom is still your full-time work.

I love being a mom. I love that it is my one and only career at this point in my life. I am so thankful for God's grace in allowing me to continue growing and changing in this area, because sometimes, I feel as though I don't do it very well. Sometimes, I think if I were my boss, I would have to put myself on an improvement plan. On the days when we get up 3-6 times a night and don't eat breakfast and whine from the moment her feet hit the ground, I can easily lose my perspective. On the days when her temper flares and she tantrums over everything and smacks me out of frustration, in those moments, I quickly lose my appreciation for my job. I am quick to complain and easily annoyed. And on the days when I am the tired and cranky one, it can be even worse.

But, then something happens, and I remember that nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. I live my life as though she will be here tomorrow. And I hope and I pray that she will be, that I will be. But, we are not promised tomorrow. I am only promised today. I need to live out every day with that perspective. I want to keep it at the forefront of my mind, of my life. I want to savor every moment of every day. Even the hard ones. I will still need breaks from her, and she from me. But, during the times we are together, I want to really BE with her. I want to listen to what she has to say. I want to memorize those expressive faces she makes. I want to get dirty with her. I want to sing songs and make up silly dances. I want to play doctor and give the baby kisses. I want to make messes with glitter glue and markers. And, I want to teach her to use her words to resolve conflict. I want to put her in timeout when she needs it. Frankly, I want to put myself in timeout when I need it. I want to remind her 10 times a day how much her dad and I love her, and that Jesus loves her "the most". I want to go to the pantry 14 times a day and clean up the living room 4 times a day. I want to watch Barney, yet again. I want to change disgusting diapers and clean poop up off the floor. Well, truthfully, that last one I could live without. But, my point is that I wouldn't give up any of it. Because I know it is a package deal. I don't get the smiles and the hugs and the expressive looks without the other stuff.

She trusts me fully. And I need to appreciate that for what it is. She trusts me with the good, the bad and the ugly. And I need to live in such a way that honors that. Because I know the truth: If I can't take it all, she will eventually stop showing me all of herself. And that, my friends, would be a tragedy.

Lord, thank you for this little girl. Thank you for bringing her to our family. She is such a joy. You know my frustrations. Thank you for granting me grace as I continue to figure out this whole mom-thing. Thank you for covering my mistakes in her life. I know there will be so many more. And I know that you are more than capable of making up the difference in her life. And that you are faithful to do so. That takes the pressure off of us to do it perfect. Because I can't do it perfect. Not even close. Only You can. Thank you for loving her even more than I do. Remind me daily to enjoy her. I love you Jesus. Amen

2 comments:

Mary said...

Amen.

McMommy said...

Something must be in the air this week...we are all hugging our children a little tighter, aren't we?