Tuesday, May 13, 2008

On the Anvil

So, I've begun reading through the past year of nonsense that is our blog. And some of what I've read resounds with a message I watched last night. It was Louis Giglio's Hope dvd. He made a statement about suffering being the megaphone for the message of our heart.

So what has my heart message been this last year? The first year we have waded through an autism diagnosis? Umm, I'm more than embarrassed to say that the message looked a whole lot like "why me" and "poor me, " and even more embarrassing "screw you." That diagnosis rocked my world in such a way that I built up a wall and punished people for not being mind readers. All of my insecurities were in full force, and I very much made everyone out to be an enemy based on the comments of a couple of people. I mentioned this briefly in this post.

I'm so sad that I wasted opportunities. Mourning the harsh words I've spoken. Wishing I would have done it better. That my message would have been that my God is good, that He is faithful. Where I am today speaks that message better (most definitely not perfectly) , but it would've been to my benefit to reach that point much sooner.

Alongside the sadness, I am overwhelmingly grateful for a Father who never let go, even in my biggest temper tantrums. He, each moment, allowed me the opportunity to go to Him, and even when my rejection hurt Him, He opened His arms again.

Grace. It blows me away every time.

Excuse me now, I have some apologies to make...


Mary said...

Yes, grace is a fabulous thing. I never cease to be amazed at the unmerited favor God gives us. What love - what awesome love!

Love the new look! :)