Get your tissues.

Dear Baby Blues,

Today marks the first day that you have officially lived in heaven longer than you were here on earth with us. I don't even have words. But, I don't want this day to go unmentioned.

I am going to have another baby. Your little cousin. I can't believe you won't get to meet him/her this side of heaven. That we won't get to see you play together. That I won't get to watch you join in the fun with Dinoboy and Cutie as they fall over themselves just to make the baby laugh.

I have so many thoughts rushing through my head, but I think I am going to share about the memories I have from your time here with us.

• The time during a memorial service at church when you made a present in your diaper loud enough for the entire congregation to hear. The Racer and I are so mature, we busted up laughing. It's ok, I think Sister L would have thought it was funny too...

• The pathetic, pouty face you would make if someone would approach you in your swing and dare not pick you up. It was hard to resist.

• The times in church when I would hold you during worship. Your little body against me as I sang, always drew me closer into His presence.

• The times when your mom and I would sit and make up nickname after nickname for you. Your beautiful name just had so many possibilities. Some stuck. Thankfully, some did not.

These are just a few of the memories I have of our time here together. Thank you for sharing your life with us. We are blessed because of it. I miss you.


I love you,
Aunt D.

With Many Thanks:

Today officially kicks off the beginning of my Thanksgiving cooking. And I am so excited! I am have some new recipes that I am really excited about making. But, more than that, I love having people in our home. I love the food and the fun and most importantly, the love that goes into all of us being together. Now, don't get me wrong, there is always the potential for a healthy dose of social awkwardness (like in all areas of my life...), but I just love me some busy family time.

Some things I am thankful for this season, and always:

• We have a family member coming tomorrow who has been unable to celebrate with us for about 4 years. We are so excited to have the whole family together this year!
• The love of a God who pursues me even when I am too distracted to notice.
• The love of a husband who loves me even more today than he did 6 years ago when he asked me to be his wife.
• A little girl who wants to hug and kiss her baby and lifts my shirt to do so, often. She brings a smile to my face every day.
• Family and friends who love me no matter how much I dork it up...
• When my belly rubs up against something as I try to squeeze through a small space, reminding me of the life growing inside of me.
• This recipe.
• Our friend and roomate has come to join our family. We are so happy that she is here!
  
• In three weeks, I will be in a cold state celebrating life and marriage and the birth of our Savior with family I haven't seen in over a year!

Happy Thanksgiving.
May it be a day filled with friends, family, food and fun.

And please join me as I pray for those who do not look forward to the holidays...

Oh Irony, you crack me up!

I was sitting at a stoplight this afternoon with the warm sun beating through the rolled down windows and getting a little sweaty in the 89 degrees. I was wondering why I had chosen to wear jeans today when it is still so warm in the afternoons.

All the while I was singing along to the radio..."It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas".

Family

For all the mountains this life will have, I am grateful to have these people climbing with me.

Joy.

Things I MAY or MAY NOT have done/said/thought

• Kissed a pair of Asics Gel Kayanos and said "Hello, lover."
• Yelled at snapfish for not letting me use 2 discounts at once.
• Ordered some pasta and then got too full on the soup before it.
• Yelled at my toilet for being broken...again. What up with all the yelling?
• Clapped my hands when I found out more Black Friday ads had been released.
• Listened to the kids' "Gma K" explain how my son gave her a black eye.
• Drank too much iced tea which was obviously caffeinated which is obviously why I'm still up at 1:15am

Aside from all that RANDOM, I also made sure to give God a big SHOUT OUT for dealing with me on some issues yesterday so that my heart was in a better place today. I also got to pick up my picture disk from my wonderfully awesome, amazing, crafty friend that took our family pictures on Sunday. She is OBVIOUSLY way more efficient than me. Go, Pollyanna.

Send them some love...

I read about a fabulous project on BigMama's blog. One of her readers is sponsoring a campaign called "Dear Army Family". It is a project in which families send cards to military families of deployed soldiers at Ft Sill. I can tell you it is lonely spending the holidays away from your soldier. Even though we knew it was right where the Lord wanted us last year, it was lonely. And sad. And made me want to hide under the covers and wish the days away.

Soldiers make a HUGE sacrifice. But the sacrifice of their families so often goes unnoticed because there is no physical danger. A friend once said it best. She told me, "We are expected to continue living our lives each day. But, there is a huge hole in the middle of our lives that only we can see and feel."

So, please, go read this post and send a card to a family. You could really make their day.

It's not about that.

So, once again, I find myself up in the middle of the night. Thoughts racing through my head. "Where is my purse?" "Why am I so thirsty?" "Why are all these difficult times happening to those that I love?" "God, can't you let these people who are going through trials, just have a break?" "Why is is just one after another after another?" "I'm hungry, where are those nuts I just bought?" I know, my mind, it's a scary and complicated place...

I pull up a blog in which the author offers to give back to her readers by praying for them. I read through the 89 comments. I have some definite prayer requests. But, as I continue to read, I realize something. The things I have been praying for are just that, "things". And, as I read, I ponder the fact that I feel far away from God in a lot of ways. The worst part is, I didn't even really know it. And then I realize...this "thing"...this situation...It is so much bigger than that. So much more important than knowing where our next paycheck will come from. It is about the fact that the God of the universe loves me enough to want more for me. Even when I am too short sighted to want more for myself.

As I began reading those comments, my prayer requests were that my husband would find a job. That we would once again have insurance. That this baby will continue to grow strong and healthy. That I could even begin to wrap my mind around bringing another life into my realm of crazy. But, as I finished reading, the Lord had spoken to my heart. This is really about faith. Those other things, they are just by-products of life, of being a human in this world. The real problem is that I have grown complacent. I have become numb to the healing touch of my God because of some hard lessons that life has thrown my way in the past few years. Life hurts sometimes, and I have become guarded. Guarded in hopes that each sting will hurt a little less than the last. (It didn't work.) But, by becoming guarded, all I have really protected myself from is feeling my Father's touch. From allowing His healing balm to be applied to my heart.

I have so many blessings in my life. I have a beautiful (and growing) family. I have people in my life who love me so big that it's incredible. I have a home, a car, plenty of food, and there is still money in the bank. I'm living the dream, really. It is what I always wanted for my life: to be a wife and mom and be surrounded by people that I love. Then, why do I still feel so dissatisfied? Because I have been going about it wrong. I have been trying to do and have all these things and calling on God when times get hard. He wants more than that for me. He wants more than that for you. I don't want God to have to rock my world in a way that devastates me before I learn to lean on Him for my every step. I want to live that way now, in this moment.

Lord, forgive me for my complacent attitude. Forgive my hardened heart and the fact that I have ignored you in many areas. Please, remind me to pray. There are so many needs that I forget to bring to you. Even though you know them anyway, help me to be obedient in my need to bring them. Change my heart. Help me to see my need for you in everything. And, please, help me to be a more joyful wife and mother. I no longer want to take my blessings for granted. And, Lord, please help me to lay it all at your feet. To stop beating myself up over the fact that I haven't prayed enough, haven't been in your word enough, haven't trusted enough or had enough faith. Help me to begin new today, right now. I love you and I want you to change my life. Amen.

Thank you God that you still change people even after you have given lots of chances. Thank you that you will still speak to me, even in the middle of the night at my computer. And thank you God that you love me even though you know I am headed off to bed with my mind whirling with new questions, "How did I get so lucky?" "How many almonds did I just consume?" and still, "Where is my purse?" But, mostly, I go to bed with a new found peace that my God, who loves me enough to wake me from my slumber, still reigns.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

He Is.




*When you have some time, head over to MckMama's blog and read about the miracle that is their story*

A Blogworthy Day

You know how I said I couldn't find anything to blog about?? Well, today happened and that quickly changed. The Racer and I took Dirty Job, the Cutie and Skater Tot to the drive thru car wash. I know, I am a barrel of fun. But, the kids wanted to go somewhere and my car desperately needed a wash. So we get there and I don't have any cash. The Racer saved the day with $6. The whole time all three kids are chanting, "Car Wash, Car Wash!" I pop the car in neutral and take my foot off the brake. We are rolling along. We continue to roll all the way through the car wash bay. The Racer and I are both yelling, "Why is it going through? Why isn't it stopping?" The kids are wondering what happens next. Well, we roll out the other side of the car wash and keep on going. Why am I still rolling?? Oh, I actually put it in drive, not neutral. Oops.

The laughing begins from us. The screams come from the back. They are very upset that we didn't do the car wash.

So, I try to high tail it back into the bay so I can get some of that $6. car wash actually on my car. As I am zooming around, another car pulls in front of me and proceeds to watch as our $6 washes the invisible car in the bay. He then puts his money in and is sitting there for a record amount of time. We are looking at the time realizing we have to pick up What Not to Wear from school in 15 minutes and we are still sitting there. And yes, the kids are still yelling in the back about the injustice of it all. Finally the guy in the car in front is waving me on. Um, I'm sorry. I can't actually pass you, this is a one lane car wash... The Racer finally talks some sense into me and says he may want me to come to his car. So, I get out and walk up to him. Long story short, his car is stuck and the conveyor belts are not pulling him through. All I could think was, put it in drive, you should sail right through... He wants me to go inside and alert them to his situation. So, I am backing out of the car wash, ever so carefully as to not hit my mirrors. BAM. I hit some mystery construction object that was on the ground. In addition to the kids screams about still not getting a car wash, now the Racer is laughing so hard she is crying. Maybe a little hyperventilating.

It was the kind of day that makes me laugh everytime I think about it.

I eventually drove the kids to another car wash and had only minimal difficulty. Dirty Job has long since fallen asleep, the Cutie was mesmerized, and Skater Tot was screaming his head off. When we got out, he couldn't stop talking about the soap and the water.

G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS. Sing it with me...

A try at the list...

Maybe I can get some of my random thoughts out of my head if I just throw out a list. Let's see:

• I am very excited that the holidays are coming. The fall/winter holidays motivates me to want to be crafty and decorate my home. The Racer and I just bought some crafty items and I want to get started right away.
• We also do bake days with our kiddos. Meaning we let them help us mix up the batter and after they try to lick the spoon and stick their fingers in 42 times, we banish them to go play and complete the baking ourselves. I love these days. They are good for my heart. Not good for my waistline...but good for my soul.
• My daughter has discovered those red movie rental machines. What she hasn't grasped is that they don't always have the movies advertised available for immediate rental. Just because there is a picture of a doggie movie doesn't necessarily mean we can take it home and watch it today. She has figured out that there are boxes at other stores and thinks we should drive around to another one if this one doesn't have the movie of her choice. Well, that just changed the level of convenience, didn't it?
• I rented a movie from the public library. I think they might be wishing they hadn't allowed me a library card right about now. I seriously can not remember to take that thing back!
• I am 10 weeks pregnant. I just read this today: "Your baby's crown-to-rump length is now about 1 1/4 inches, and she weighs less than half an ounce." Ok, so can someone please explain to me why I easily look 4 months pregnant and have gained 5 pounds??

Writer's block

Pregnancy does weird things to this mama. It totally messes with my sleep patterns. I am so tired that sometimes I can't think straight. If I sit down in the afternoons, I will probably doze off. When I lay the Cutie down at night, I almost always fall asleep before she does. But, if you need me between 2 and 5 am, check at the computer. I seem to wake up each night during this time. I lay in bed and will myself back to sleep, but it won't come. By the time I have gone to the bathroom, gotten some water and had a snack, I am so wide awake I couldn't sleep if I tried.

It's rude I tell you.

So, each night, I think to myself, since I am wide awake, "why don't I write a post for my blog being that the quality of my posts have been scattered and boring at best?" And then I proceed to think about the fact that I can't actually think of anything that is blog-worthy to write about.

How do I get started? How do I work past all the rambling in my head and find a post that might actually mean something to me and maybe to someone else?

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Me= Doesn't think before speaking

I say things at inappropriate times.

It's ridiculous.

Carry on.

The miracle that is life.

I had an ultrasound today. The intricacies of the human body never fail to amaze me. The fact that a sperm and an egg collide and my body knows what to do with it to create a human just floors me. I have a theory that anyone who doesn't believe in the power of God should study the development of the human in the womb. It is nothing short of awe-inspiring.

The baby measured 9 weeks 4 days today. Which, technically speaking means that the baby is 7 1/2 weeks developed. The baby that we saw today had an identifiable head, abdomen, arms, legs, knees and elbows. We could also see the ear and nose. And don't forget the beating heart. So, don't tell me that's just a mass of tissue in there. Nope, it's a baby.

Anyway, seeing that little person really was emotional for me. It started out when I got in the car to go down there. I couldn't stop crying. I even called my bff to warn her that I was so emotional and allow her the opportunity to jump ship. She said the sweetest thing, "Why would I jump ship on you? You have never jumped ship on me." I just want to be sensitive to where she is in her journey of loss and grief. Because, the fact of the matter is that the last ultrasound the two of us went to was for her Baby Blues. I was a little overcome by this. But, once I got myself together, it was a beautiful time. The 3d ultrasound was amazing, allowing us the opportunity to see that little one in a new kind of clarity. To see him/her wiggling about the screen caused the tears to return. And, more than anything, I think that this allowed me to feel a connection with this baby that I hadn't yet allowed myself to experience.

Thank you Lord for the miracle of life.

Voting Day

Voting day took on a whole new meaning in our home this year. We have always taken our right to vote seriously. But, after serving in a country where it's people were under a terrorist regime, Major Hunk has a newfound passion for our electoral process. As for me, I feel as though after the sacrifices that our family made to help ensure our freedom, I would be a fool to take this liberty for granted. And, even more so, I feel that because other families have made ultimate sacrifices for our freedoms, it would be a shame not to get out there and exercise our freedom to vote.

We could not go as a family, because I forgot to transfer my voter registration. Oops. So, I took the Cutie and trekked over to our previous polling place. I was so excited to share this experience with her. She was oh-so-excited to go and vote. (Even though she had no idea what that meant.) She got up there in the voting booth with me and "voted" on my scrap paper and she helped me feed my ballot into the machine. She also got a sticker. (Even though I could tell they were a little annoyed that I wanted one for her AND one for me.) She enjoyed voting so much that she asked if we could go vote again later in the day. I hope this experience helps her to shape her love for voting and the process that so many fight to protect even as we speak.

No matter how this election turns out, I will rest in the knowledge that our God has known the outcome long before these candidates ever dreamed of the presidency. Nothing surprises Him. Thank God for that.

**So, I just learned from my local news channel that it is illegal to take any pictures or photos of your ballot. And while I hadn't written on it yet, I am still inherently a rule follower, so I had to take down the picture of my Cutie "voting".** Ooops.

Rock the Vote

I am so grateful for the privilege to vote. It's hard for me to understand why people don't use this freedom. I guess it's just too easy to take things for granted.

I decided early this morning that I would take both kids to vote. It is THAT important to me. I want my boy and girl to know that we have a responsibility for our voices to be heard. In fact, I think it more important than who actually wins this election.

Most of all, on this day of uncertainty, I am grateful that there is One who already knows the outcome of the election. He will not be alarmed, and He promises me His peace. That's something I will vote yes for every time!

Thanks, Kids.

I have some fun kids. And I am so thankful for them. Without them, I would probably have some boring, unfulfilling office job. Nice things, but not nearly as much laughter. More sanity, but less celebration in the small stuff.

My big 6 year old - she's a hoot. She is always trying to use big words in her everyday discussions. It makes me laugh! I am thankful that she is a HORRIBLE liar. I am thankful that I get to be with her each day and that I am the one who gets to teach her so many things. She has such a sweet, tender heart. I love that about her. I am thankful that she wants to do better at things she struggles with (reading, jumping rope). She enjoys the everyday special moments. She loves her family and friends. She is quick to defend her brother. She says cute things like, "pretend I'm autism," when wanting to do his speech drills. I am most thankful that she loves the Lord and desires to serve Him.

My big little guy...I am thankful that he is part of our family. He has made each one of us better people. I am thankful that this past year has brought great successes for him. Dirty Job is now talking in phrases and sentences!!! He loves to be sneaky and laughs when deliberately disobeying...not good in the future, but I am so thankful for it right now. It is the cutest. I am thankful when it's time for bed and he says, " No, mommy's bed." I am thankful that he wants to hug people when they are sad. He loves music with his therapist, and love animals and cars. I love how he uses his imagination when playing. I am so thankful that he is growing and breaking the mold of what his diagnosis says he is.

These two are my heart and I am so privileged to be their mommy.

I am thankful. I am blessed.

"Blessing is bowing down to receive the expressions of divine favor that in the inner recesses of the human heart and mind make life worth the bother." Beth Moore

"I am frump girl"

Yesterday morning, I was getting ready for church, finding myself once again standing in my closet. If you know me, you know that I am not super stylish. In fact, thinking of me when you read that phrase may have caused you to giggle out loud. That's ok. I'm not offended.

But, pregnancy has brought with it a new level to my frumpiness. I'll spare you the details and just share that I walked out of my bedroom and declared to our roomie, "After church, I am buying a cute pair of maternity jeans that actually fit me." Now, I struggle because this may not be the wisest way to spend money right now when it's at a premium. And, I do happen to own a giant maternity wardrobe, more so than my regular wardrobe. But, most of said maternity clothes are a least one size too big, and it seems to have brought out some serious insecurities that I didn't even know that I had. Any idea what it does for your look when you add extra material to your newly bulging midsection? Not good.

So after church, we ate some mexican food. (Also, not good for my bulging midsection.) After mexican food, I was so tired. I almost forewent the shopping trip. But, Old Navy was right across the street so I persevered, with a little encouragement from the roomie. I picked up a few things, grabbed my whiny toddler, and headed to the fitting room. Let me just say that I let out an audible sigh when I slipped on those pants. I wasn't even phased that my half naked child kept opening the door to expose my half-naked, daily-changing pregnant self to the sweet, young employees. (Sorry for that, but hopefully the Lord can use it to encourage abstinence to teens in our area.) Those are some impressive pants, people.

I feel a little vain and maybe even a little selfish, but those jeans seriously turned my day around. Next, I am going to ask my hubby to take me out on a date so I can debut my well-fitting, cute new pants :)

November?

I can't believe that November is already here. I think part of the problem is that we are STILL running our a/c around these parts. Hello, weather? Get on board and give us some FALL!

Because Thanksgiving is the middle child in the "Trio o' Holidays," and I am a middle child (shocking, I know...I don't have ANY middle child quirks) I'd like to take some time this month and really consider some things that I am thankful for. I hope to add here and there throughout the month.

THANKFULS

I have an amazing husband who goes above and beyond to provide for our family so that I can stay home. And I mean it when I say above and beyond. He does less than desirable odd jobs, and he does it with a servants heart.

He loves our children well. He is always commenting on how great he thinks they are. My guy enjoys playing with them and makes an effort to be a part of their lives and their activities. He went to What Not To Wear's costume parade yesterday and made sure she saw him several times before he left, even though he was on a very tight schedule.

My guy is not too proud to admit when he is wrong. He wants to grow as a person and recognize his shortcomings. And he wants to lead other guys in that journey as well. I love that about him!

My man loves me "for better or worse." He leads gently, affirms often and puts up with my shenanigans. And he helps keep up the house.

I am so thankful that the Lord gave me him.