Sunday, November 16, 2008

It's not about that.

So, once again, I find myself up in the middle of the night. Thoughts racing through my head. "Where is my purse?" "Why am I so thirsty?" "Why are all these difficult times happening to those that I love?" "God, can't you let these people who are going through trials, just have a break?" "Why is is just one after another after another?" "I'm hungry, where are those nuts I just bought?" I know, my mind, it's a scary and complicated place...

I pull up a blog in which the author offers to give back to her readers by praying for them. I read through the 89 comments. I have some definite prayer requests. But, as I continue to read, I realize something. The things I have been praying for are just that, "things". And, as I read, I ponder the fact that I feel far away from God in a lot of ways. The worst part is, I didn't even really know it. And then I realize...this "thing"...this situation...It is so much bigger than that. So much more important than knowing where our next paycheck will come from. It is about the fact that the God of the universe loves me enough to want more for me. Even when I am too short sighted to want more for myself.

As I began reading those comments, my prayer requests were that my husband would find a job. That we would once again have insurance. That this baby will continue to grow strong and healthy. That I could even begin to wrap my mind around bringing another life into my realm of crazy. But, as I finished reading, the Lord had spoken to my heart. This is really about faith. Those other things, they are just by-products of life, of being a human in this world. The real problem is that I have grown complacent. I have become numb to the healing touch of my God because of some hard lessons that life has thrown my way in the past few years. Life hurts sometimes, and I have become guarded. Guarded in hopes that each sting will hurt a little less than the last. (It didn't work.) But, by becoming guarded, all I have really protected myself from is feeling my Father's touch. From allowing His healing balm to be applied to my heart.

I have so many blessings in my life. I have a beautiful (and growing) family. I have people in my life who love me so big that it's incredible. I have a home, a car, plenty of food, and there is still money in the bank. I'm living the dream, really. It is what I always wanted for my life: to be a wife and mom and be surrounded by people that I love. Then, why do I still feel so dissatisfied? Because I have been going about it wrong. I have been trying to do and have all these things and calling on God when times get hard. He wants more than that for me. He wants more than that for you. I don't want God to have to rock my world in a way that devastates me before I learn to lean on Him for my every step. I want to live that way now, in this moment.

Lord, forgive me for my complacent attitude. Forgive my hardened heart and the fact that I have ignored you in many areas. Please, remind me to pray. There are so many needs that I forget to bring to you. Even though you know them anyway, help me to be obedient in my need to bring them. Change my heart. Help me to see my need for you in everything. And, please, help me to be a more joyful wife and mother. I no longer want to take my blessings for granted. And, Lord, please help me to lay it all at your feet. To stop beating myself up over the fact that I haven't prayed enough, haven't been in your word enough, haven't trusted enough or had enough faith. Help me to begin new today, right now. I love you and I want you to change my life. Amen.

Thank you God that you still change people even after you have given lots of chances. Thank you that you will still speak to me, even in the middle of the night at my computer. And thank you God that you love me even though you know I am headed off to bed with my mind whirling with new questions, "How did I get so lucky?" "How many almonds did I just consume?" and still, "Where is my purse?" But, mostly, I go to bed with a new found peace that my God, who loves me enough to wake me from my slumber, still reigns.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

He Is.

*When you have some time, head over to MckMama's blog and read about the miracle that is their story*


Amazing Racer said...

Sending about a thousand hugs your way.

And a thousand prayers His'.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

I have definitely understood what it is about and what is important and yet there are still times I just don't get it. It is who we are. Because He gives me free will, I so often feel free to act stupid! Life is HARD and it HURTS alot, but our Savior has made so many promises to us to take care of us and love us. I am so glad that you have such an open heart that you are able to hear him speak into your life. Some of my most precious memories of the last 8 months are those times when the Lord made himself so real to me. My Baby Blues has been back with Jesus almost as long as he was with me. I hope he always knows how much we all loved him and continue to love him so.