A little speechless

I don't have many words this morning, but I feel compelled to make note of today.

Today is the one year anniversary of the day that Baby Blues left this earth and claimed his place in heaven.

If you think of it today, please say a prayer for my friends and family as they walk through the emotions of today.

Baby Blues,

We are so happy that you have begun your new life in heaven.  But, we miss you more than there are words.  Yesterday your mommy and I decorated your headstone.  It looks beautiful.  Today your cousin and friends will send some balloons your way.  I hope they make you smile.

We love you.

Get your tissues.

Dear Baby Blues,

Today marks the first day that you have officially lived in heaven longer than you were here on earth with us. I don't even have words. But, I don't want this day to go unmentioned.

I am going to have another baby. Your little cousin. I can't believe you won't get to meet him/her this side of heaven. That we won't get to see you play together. That I won't get to watch you join in the fun with Dinoboy and Cutie as they fall over themselves just to make the baby laugh.

I have so many thoughts rushing through my head, but I think I am going to share about the memories I have from your time here with us.

• The time during a memorial service at church when you made a present in your diaper loud enough for the entire congregation to hear. The Racer and I are so mature, we busted up laughing. It's ok, I think Sister L would have thought it was funny too...

• The pathetic, pouty face you would make if someone would approach you in your swing and dare not pick you up. It was hard to resist.

• The times in church when I would hold you during worship. Your little body against me as I sang, always drew me closer into His presence.

• The times when your mom and I would sit and make up nickname after nickname for you. Your beautiful name just had so many possibilities. Some stuck. Thankfully, some did not.

These are just a few of the memories I have of our time here together. Thank you for sharing your life with us. We are blessed because of it. I miss you.


I love you,
Aunt D.

Healing Balm

We had a seriously convicting message in church this morning. I was feeling pretty battered and bruised even just a few minutes in. On top of that, there are so many really big things going on in the lives of many of my friends. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of it at times. So, I was feeling a little fragile, as I like to say.

Toward the end of service, I stepped out for a moment. When I came back in, one of the babies in the back row smiled at me. He followed me with his eyes. So, I leaned in to say hello. When I did, he leaned toward me. I asked if I could hold him. His mama obliged. I stood in the back singing worship songs to my Lord holding that sweet baby boy. As his little body settled into mine, I could feel his heart beating against my chest. As I swayed to the music, he lay still against my shoulder. And as I rested my face against this little blonde haired, blue eyed cutie, the tears began to fall. I closed my eyes and realized that this is the first time I have meaningfully held a baby since Baby Blues passed away. The first time that I held a baby and allowed myself to think about it. And while unanswered questions flooded my mind, it was a healing balm to my soul.

I handed that sweet little guy back to his mama with hair wet from my tears. And I thanked the Lord for using that little guy to apply some much needed salve to my wounded heart.

Random Pictures

Firstly, I have to tell you, moving is exhausting! Even the baby doll neeed a break!

This was my car on the way to Baby Blues birthday celebration. The balloon release was beautiful, but getting there was comical.

This was an example of the delicious and healthy food options at the fair we went to on our vacation. Really? Chicken on a Krispy Kreme??

Dirty Jobs shirt says: Stud Muffin seeks Cupcake.

Cutie's shirt says: Little Miss Cupcake.

A perfect match? I think so.

These are a couple of pics of our kids doing life together.

I have a feeling I will being seeing this much in my future.

(That's a phone tucked into her shoulder.)

I love this one because it shows the ironies that are my girl. Those are her high heels that she put on to go help Daddy work on the truck.

Baby Blues,

It's your birthday. And you're not here to celebrate it with us. My emotions are conflicted today. In every way I want to celebrate all of who you were and are in our lives. I'm not sure how to do that alongside the underlying sadness that lingers even as time moves on. My intention is to do it honestly, to cry tears that need to be shed for the loss, and to laugh fully when thinking about all of your precious qualities.

We made cupcakes to celebrate you last night. My girl asked what your favorite flavor of cupcake was. I sadly replied that we didn't get to know that about you. If you are anything like your brother, Dinoboy, you are certainly enjoying some heavenly chocolate cake. But in case you are not as inclined to love all things chocolate, we got the marble cake. What Not To Wear thought that would be best.

As we poured the batter into the tin, one was clearly overfilled. My girl said that one was for you, because it's your day. We frosted it and she wondered how we'd get it to you. I told her that you were having a WAY BETTER celebration in heaven, and that I'm sure you were having a much better cupcake as well.

Dirty Job contributed by taking a single bite out of nine of the cupcakes before I frosted them. He's sneaky like that. I wonder what kind of mischief you two would've gotten into...he certainly did love you. Just in an all up in your space way. And just so you know, I totally frosted the cupcakes and am taking them to the cemetery to celebrate with those who love you. I just haven't decided if I'll warn them about the missing piece of their cupcake yet...

I gave your brother chocolate donuts for breakfast on his first birthday. I wish you were here to do that for. He made all these bird sounds around one...would you be doing that, too? Would you be attempting to walk yet? What would your favorite food be? I have so many questions, sweet boy, so many...

One year ago, I held you in the hospital nursery, never imagining that this was the plan God had for your life. And yet, you taught me many things in your short time, and even in your passing. Thank you for teaching me more about friendship, forgiveness, and the sacred importance of appreciating the day-to-day. God has used you mightily to change this mama's heart.

But still, I miss you.

Happy Birthday, Baby Blues.

Dear Baby Blues,

Tomorrow is the day that we celebrate your birth. Last year at this time, we were anticipating your arrival. Because you were "scheduled", we knew you were coming on this day. I am pretty sure this auntie couldn't wait to get her hands on you. I had so many kisses to bestow upon you. I was just certain you would be beautiful. And have a big head:) You were. And surprisingly, you didn't. After your daddy and brother got a visit, then gramma, it was finally my turn. I held you in my arms and introduced myself. You repeatedly stuck out your tongue at me. The days and weeks that followed did not allow me enough extra hours to hold you uninterrupted, what with your cousin who did not like the idea of another baby in her mama's arms. But, oh the love. We were so happy that you had joined our family.

In a little over an hour, it would be your first birthday.
I wish you were here to celebrate it with us.
I mean, I don't, because I know you are celebrating big time up there with Jesus.
But...I do.

We miss you so very much. But, today, I choose to celebrate. To celebrate your life, your love, and who you were to each one of us. I will celebrate that you are in a perfect heavenly body. Celebrate that we will see you again someday. And celebrate the time we had with you and the memories that time will never take away. An celebrate the lessons that you have taught me in your life and in your death.

We will have a birthday celebration. There will be cake and balloons and bubbles. Your friends and family will be there. And I think you will be there too.

I love you baby boy.