Wednesday, September 12, 2007

She snuck right in

We watched our teenager play her first volleyball game of the season today. We got there, walked in, and she was playing. I have to tell you, I got teary. It was like I was watching my own daughter play a sport that she loves. I couldn't even talk about it. I saw her and my heart just burst with pride. Don't ask me how I got this way...it just happened. She has truly stolen my heart...much like my children did as newborns.

She is amazing. The Lord has truly sustained her through some horrific circumstances. She is broken, but still His. I have high hopes of what the Lord is going to do in her life and through her life.

My heart has loved her with a mother's love. Which is why I'm such a mess. Because the bottom line is this: I'm not her mom. But I wish I was. That's a real risky love for me. The kind that seems like a guaranteed heartache. It's not like she's up for adoption. It's not like her physical needs aren't being met where she's at. I just want her to be with us. Hearing about her day and the drama and the mundane. My hubby and I have talked/dreamt about having her as our own. Cpt Mom has talked about having her live with her. I want a safe place for her healing. Because when all the mess comes up and she begins to deal with it, it's going to be, well, messy.

Here's the thing. I want her in our home. I know I've stated that. But I want her permanently a part of our family. I want to take her with us when we move out of state. I've thought about it and hoped it but I don't know if I've spoken it out loud...maybe to the hubs, but I'm not sure other than him...

Does my logical mind think this would ever happen? Not in a million, billion years. I'm just putting my very vulnerable hearts desire out there. Tossing it up with hope. Willing to dream the craziest dreams...because love does that. It allows the illogical to be pondered. Love is willing to hope for the impossible. Love wants wholeness for those it loves.

Lord, thank you for being the God of the impossible. I'm so grateful that I can come to you with the desires of my heart and know that You will use them for your glory and for her healing. Even if the answer is different than that of my dreams, I can trust you with the outcome of her life because you love her even more than I do. Thank you for the privilege of this relationship with her. It is so humbling that you would let me love on her. Thank you for this lesson on risky love. Just because it's risky doesn't mean I should shy away or be fearful. I can take all of those emotions to you, and trust you to heal what may become broken. Lord, most of all, let her see your steadfast love for her. Let her see that you ARE indeed faithful and most importantly trustworthy. I know when she sees that, she will begin to heal some of those deep wounds. Tend to those hurts gently, Lord. Help me to be a reflection of your gentleness. Make a way where there seems to be no way. Lord, you ask us to take care of the orphans and the widows. I see so many areas in her life where she has been orphaned. Help me to care for her with the same love that you have for me and with great tenderness, for whatever amount of time you allow. Amen

2 comments:

CPT Mom said...

This is beautiful.

Thank you for loving her with a big, risky love. It makes a huge impact on her life. More than anything, thank you for praying for her as desperately as you pray for your own children. It makes an eternal difference.

CPT Mom said...

Interesting...we both wrote on love tonight...hhmmm?

Trying to tell us something God?