Friday, June 1, 2007

My relationship with the wagon...on again, off again

So, in this journey of life, I have been trying to lose weight. I am trying to get to the point where I can say (and mean) I am trying to get healthy, but the fact of the matter is, that right now, I want to lose weight. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I no longer want my emotions to control what I put in my mouth. The Cutie and I just returned from a 2 1/2 week vacation where I am ashamed to say I feel off the wagon. Actually, I leaped off...it wasn't really accidental, which "fell off" does imply. I did not count points. I did not eat healthily. I did not even touch the workout dvd I had taken with me...unless you count the time that the Cutie pulled it out and I quickly took it from her little hands and returned it to the suitcase. (Well, I didn't want it to get scratched!) And the worst part was, there was no good reason for it. We rarely went out to dinner. There were not a whole lot of tempting snacks around the house. I had plenty of times when it was quiet at the house and no one was using either of the 2 dvd players. Frankly, I was just being lazy. So here it is, in all my realness, my revelation. It sounds silly when I admit it to myself, but it is true. I want to do this "diet thing" behind closed doors. I don't want to admit to others that I am trying to lose weight. Somehow in my mind, by saying it out loud, I am admitting to others that I am fat...as if they can't see the evidence for themselves. As if they wouldn't notice if I hadn't brought it up. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone other than myself, but now it is out there...for all of you to see :) I am not sure that this counts as incredible vulnerability knowing that currently, we have no other readers. But just knowing that others could stumble over here and might just endure one of my ramblings long enough to find this post, somehow makes it a little more risky...baby steps!

OK, back on task. What am I going to do?? Frankly, I am not quite sure. I don't want to be one of those people who tells everyone I meet about my "weight loss journey". But, I need some balance. I think part of the reason I keep it to myself is so that I won't feel like others are judging my choices. Maybe a little pressure knowing that others may think, "chocolate cake, again...interesting choice for someone who wants to lose a few..." maybe that will help me to think twice (some of the times). I don't know. What I do know is that I do really want this. I need to somehow reprogram my thinking so that I am willing to do the hard work now so I can reap the rewards later. Like I said before, I want to get to the point where I make good choices because it is good for my body. But right now, truth be told, when Major Hunk comes home for R&R, I want to feel confident enough in the way I look that I don't go hide in the dark...and eat ice cream. So, that is my goal, for now. Stay focused on the fact that in about 4 months, someone else will see this body naked. (aaaahhh!) If you'll excuse me, I have to go dig out that workout video now...

1 comments:

LessOfUs said...

Three cheers for vulnerability and reality. I don't know how to reprogram my thinking (you saw me last night at dinner) but I do appreciate your willingness to share the process of loving who you are enough to take care of you. Sometimes others have to be our motivating factor until we can get there for ourselves. At least that's my theory. I love ya, my friend - where you are at today and the SM you'll be.