processing

I need to process somethings. So, I am going to type it out here in hopes that my mind can begin to wrap around them.

I don't think that I hid it very well that my husband's deployment was an incredibly stressful time in my life. Actually, I didn't try to hide it. I was basically a trainwreck. I have been shocked to discover how healing it has been for me in so many ways to have him here, safe in our home. Apparently, having a husband in a war zone is a little stressful even when you try not to think about it. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we haven't had our adjustment bumps, because we have. It was expected. But, I have felt love for my husband in ways that I didn't only a few short months ago. Each day I have a greater appreciation for just who he is, bumps and all. He is a romantic. He loves me deeply. He is playful. He is passionate. And these are only a few. Most of all, I have fallen in love with him as a dad. He is a natural. He is active in our Cutie's life. He plays with her. She makes him smile. It's a beautiful thing.

Anyway, this is not at all what I intended to write about. I just wanted to give my husband some overdue props.

All this to say, I am so glad to have him home. We have been praying for a situation that is very near and dear to our finances, and it seems that the Lord has answered our prayers. He is faithful to do so, you know. In all honesty, He answered in a way that I was not thrilled about at first. There are many pros, but there is one big, fat con. If you have talked to me about this topic, then you have heard me say, "I know the Lord has purpose and a plan for this." And I believe that. I really do. But, is it expressing doubt by even just phrasing it that way?

Then, I went to church tonight. They are doing the study on Peter, "You Can't Walk On Water If You Don't Step Out of the Boat." Let me just tell you that the title alone brought me some serious conviction. But, as our pastor spoke briefly, I felt a burning in my heart. Truly, my heart was racing. Racing. I wonder if the pastor thought I was having a heart attack. I kept putting my hand over my heart and breathing deeply. In a moment, I had seen clearly.

I had taken matters into my own hands.

I have been standing on truth, biblical truth. That is good. Here is the problem, I have been unknowingly interpreting it in such a way that makes sense to ME. And, I don't know about you, but the way I think things should go down, doesn't always seem to line up with the Lord's plan. Let's just say, like, most of the time. It was in that moment that I realized where I had gone awry. I hadn't seen it all along, because I believed that I was fighting for something good and right. And it is good and right. But, just because something is good and right, does not mean that it fits the course God has for your life. And just because something is hard and doesn't look like I planned, does not mean that is isn't the course He has set before me. And, this is not the path that the Lord has set for me today. He has some lessons for me yet to learn. And in my rebelliousness and apparent self-preserving state, I have yet to take hold of them. Do not get me wrong, I do not think that the Lord is punishing me in any way. Quite the contrary, I believe that in His abundant grace, He loves me enough to give me more chances to learn lessons that He knows I need. Lessons that will serve me well later in life.