Friday, November 30, 2007

Balance

I have been thinking about this crazy journey called deployment. I was reflecting about the many incredible women I have met along they way. These are women I didn't know pre-deployment. I have laughed with them, cried with them, but overall just had fun times with them. We are a happy bunch. You would think so too if you happened upon us on one of our night's out. I believed this, until I saw a few R&R pictures. Let me tell you, in those pictures I saw a happiness on those women's faces that I had never seen in all the times that I have laughed with them. It was like they were made to be in their husband's arms. Like without him, a part of her had been missing. It was beautiful.

On the day of Major Hunk's arrival, we were greeted by friends and family at the airport. I, of course, cried. But as we were saying our goodbye's, our pastor said to me, "It's good to see you smiling." I remember thinking that was a funny thing to say because I smile. And I laugh.A lot. The next week at church he said, "You are still smiling. That is so great." Weird. Now, I don't mope around. I do not share with many about my struggles (I save those for a select few...sorry, Racer). I try to put on a happy face as I tackle each day. So, what is he talking about? On Wednesday night, I sat in a bible study taught by above said pastor. I wasn't feeling sad. I wasn't having a particularly difficult day. But, all of a sudden, I could feel the look on my face. I don't know if that makes sense. But, I could feel the way I looked and in a way could sense what he sees as he teaches me and looks out into the audience each week. And in that moment, I realized I was one of those women. I am one who looked different in my R&R pictures. I am one who feels incomplete while my husband is half a world away.

And, after much reflection, I think I have been able to pinpoint it. I am still the same me that I was before he left. I do not need him to validate who I am. My God does that. I am just distracted. I am distracted by the unconscious feelings. There is always a certain amount of fear, anticipation and loneliness that I carry around. I work hard not to let it take over. I am constantly trying to balance. That is it really. I live in a world that feels out of balance and I am working hard to stay upright. To not fall on my face.

So, while I haven't realized it until now. I have been, in a way, absent. So, to my friends and family who have felt put out by my lack of emotion, I can see it now. I apologize. Please know that I do celebrate and grieve with you: even though I may not be able to show it well. I hope you have not mistaken my reserved emotion for not caring. Because I do care. A lot. I just can't get too emotional and risk losing the balance I have worked so hard for the past 19 months to attain.

1 comments:

Amazing Racer said...

I think this post rocks. I think you have identified the past 19months well.

Can't wait until you're reunited! It'll feel so good. I know, I'm lamb