Goose Egg

I lost the big fat ZERO pounds this week. Of course, when I reflect on my eating this week, I notice that this was my worst eating week EVER. Little fruits and veggies, and I probably went over my points every single day...
So, I've hit my biggest fear about this journey. That in the middle of it I would plateau. Which of course makes me want to wolf down something sweet, like a Baskin Robbins triple scoop. I am NOT going to do that, though. That would undo some serious emotional eating work that I've been doing. So instead, I will create a couple of goals for this week.

#1 - drink water like a fish. Like my co-blogger.

#2 - Start exercise program. Pronto.


Starting weight: 168
This Weeks Loss: 0
Total Lost: 20
Current Weight: 148

The Typical Triggers

So, I haven't weighed in this week. That'll happen at some point today. I just wanted to record some thoughts about things that would usually trigger a lot of emotional eating.

I don't like confrontation. I'd rather hash it out among myself until I get over it. I also dislike advocating for my children in areas that I feel like I lack knowledge or expertise. Examples: Doctor's offices, Therapists, Church teachers. I know that makes me sound like an unfit mom, and that is in contradiction to my "keepin it real" self.
The bottom line (that I just figured out) is that that is false pride. It brings the focus onto me and what I'm not good at or what I don't know instead of being a wise steward with my children. They are my gift - but they are not mine...they are the Lord's.
So in the last couple of days, I've really felt the need to advocate in some areas of What Not To Wear and Dirty Job's lives. What Not To Wear has had a sinus infection almost every time we walk into the dr's office for the last couple of years. Which causes fluid in her ears, which causes her to not hear well. I've asked about it once, and her doctor told me if I wanted to, that I could give her some Claritin. Well, I'm not a big proponent of daily unnecessary meds. So I only give it to her on occasion, and apparently not enough to keep the sinus infections away. So today I contacted an ENT doctor's office to make an appointment for her. I wanted an expert opinion on some options for her - extensive allergy test, getting her adnoids removed, tubes, etc. Well, they told me they needed a dr's referral, even though our insurance doesn't require it. Usually, that would be the end of it. I would shelve it for months because I don't want to have to ask her pediatrician for the referral and answer the unending questions. Instead of that, today I called and bumped her pre kindergarten check up to Friday, so that I could get the referral and follow up on her visit from earlier this week that they haven't given me results to. I know to the normal mom this would all be no big deal, but for me, it's huge. Plus, because all of that is internally stressful for me, I would typically be heading to the fridge for some comfort, but I haven't even gotten up to take a look in the thing!!! Instead I have thought about my exercise program that I want to start (no, not as good as actually starting it, but baby steps, people).
Well, this post is already longer than expected. So I won't even go into Dirty Job right now. I am really excited and in prayer over some new opportunities for him. To be posted at a later time...
This post was definitely for me, for theraputic reflection. So thanks for enduring!

Weigh in

I wanted to check in and say that I lost 1.6 pounds this week. I finally did it! I have been saying I am going to drink more water and I never really make good progress in that area. This week, I drank like a fish. I almost doubled the water intake of weeks prior. I am so excited. Not because it helps me lose weight...which I am sure it does...but because I followed the goal all through the week. I have had a real problem with consistency lately. So, I am excited about the weight loss, but more so that I stuck with a goal and didn't give up on it. Not that I am finished, I will be continuing this into the coming weeks.

I have lost a total of 12.8 pounds in 14 weeks. I have spent many weeks discouraged about my progress, or lack thereof. But, when I look at it as a whole, this is really what I was shooting for. When I began this, I told myself if I could lose about a pound a week I could lose about 25 pounds by the time Major Hunk comes home for R&R. That was fine with me, (it still is really)...until people around me started dropping weight like hotcakes and I got jealous. I try hard not to compare my journey to anyone else's...but it is really hard. Frankly, I am not very good at it. I guess that is why the Lord keeps bringing more weight loss people around me so I can continue to work on this. Just think, by the time I get over this comparison thing, I should have lots of healthy friends. Most excellent!

To the Amazing Racer: Thank you for taking this journey with me...in weight loss and in life. You have given me many a pep talk when I was having a pity party and you continually encourage me to make healthier choices. I am so thankful that you are with me in this. I think I may have given up without you. I appreciate your efforts and more importantly, your friendship! You are looking great. If I didn't know you, I would totally be giving you dirty looks at the mall, haha!!

Checking in...

Well, I have had less than a week to work on my original goals in the Honoring your husband challenge, but Monday is the day for checking in with our progress, so here goes.

I feel like I have begun working on both of my goals. All of my goals will be continuing throughout, I doubt that I will ever get to a point where I don't need to work in this area. If I think I have, that is probably the first sign that I need some work! Goal #1. I was very conscious this week to tell Corporal Cutie about her daddy (as I always do). But, this week I was sure to focus on character traits and who he is in his relationship with the Lord. I know that if I continue being conscious of this that not only will I honor my husband, but our daughter will be better for it as well. It will teach her the kind of man she is to look for in a marriage partner and it will show her how a wife is to think of her husband. Goal #2. I began work on the clutter in our home. I compiled a list of tasks that had been broken into small manageable tasks and posted it on the refrigerator. I am hoping to work on something 4 times a week. I was able to cross one item off the list today...yeah!

Ok...onto the new goals for this week. Christine made the challenge to support our husbands in their work. She gives a quote from the Bible and one from the book Rocking the Roles.

Paul in 1 Cor. 11:9, For indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman
for the man's sake.

"That's not a putdown; it's a tremendous compliment to you as a woman. You are
invaluable to your man. He needs someone custom-made to help him be and do what he
can't be and do by himself. Your support is essential to his success. Without your focus,
attention, and encouragement, he'll have glaring gaps in his life. It's not good for a
husband to be left alone."

Interestingly enough, I had a conversation with someone yesterday related to this. In response to something I had said to him he commented on what a blessing I am to Major Hunk. He said that I am the stability he needs knowing that many family issues run deep. He commented that I am the glue that keeps him together and knowing I am here at home raising our daughter while he is away is a comfort to him. Now, I know that the glue in our relationship is neither of us, it is the Lord, but I get what he is saying. He is saying that knowing his wife is supportive and stable and strong brings comfort and blessings to my husband. In his job, the Major sees many marriages struggle. He has seen marriages fall apart due to decisions made on both ends: the soldier and the spouse. He has seen spouses take advantage of their soldier's situation and ruin lives in the process. He has often expressed to me how thankful he is to know that he can rest feeling stable and secure in our marriage, that he can feel confident in my decisions regarding our child, our finances or any other matter that arises. (Not that I feel ultra-confident in my abilities). I also know that it is really important to him that I still include him in decision making.

This takes me to my goals for this week:
#1. I will be better about discussing upcoming decisions that affect us here at home in such a way that it doesn't sound like I have already decided...that I really want his input.
#2. I will not give such pat answers when people ask me how he is doing or what is new with him. I will speak in a way that supports him and the important work that he does. I will also be sure that I let him know how important his work is...to God, our family and our country.

Lord, I come to you tonight and thank you for my husband. Thank you that he is the man that he is. Thank you that he strives to be better, for You and for me. Help me to remember to lift him up in prayer and in words every day. I know that I am setting lifelong examples already for our young daughter and I want her to learn healthy patterns that she can carry into her adult life. In Jesus name I pray.

The Challenge

Ok, so I will admit I read about this challenge a few days ago. I decided it wasn't for me. Then today I visited 2 more blogs where this was present. Ok, I get the point, take the challenge.
So, I have never done a link before, so we will see if this works: Go check it out (if you can). http://fruitinseason.blogspot.com/

She is hosting a challenge on honoring your husband. Being that Major Hunk is halfway around the world right now, I thought I could skim by this one. But, my God knows what I need and I feel convicted to begin honoring him now in ways that will help prepare us for the difficult transition when he returns from a very long 2 year deployment. The challenge is to set some realistic goals and check in each week on how we are doing. My goals will be different right now due to our circumstances, but I pray that this will keep honoring him at the forefront of my mind when we are together again.

#1. Continue to teach our daughter about the man her daddy is. Tell her how she is like him, about the Godly man he strives to be.

#2. Honor him in our home. Right now, my housekeeping is a little lax to say the least. I know if he were here, he would freak out. I will begin to weed through the clutter and get back to a home that I know he will be able to relax in.

Lord, thank you for my husband. Thank you that he loves you, that he loves me and the way he provides for our family. Thank you for the daddy's heart you are creating in him even 8000 miles away. Remind me to honor him in all things, my words and my deeds. In Jesus name, Amen.

Blah

So, today I only have my two children (plus one self-sufficient teen), nowhere to go, nothing to do. They are both sleeping (because they woke up at the crack of 5:30 after both having very restless nights). And I am BORED AS ALL GET OUT. I seriously want to scream from boredom.

Give me chaos anyday, people.

Alli

So, I will admit it, this new weight loss drug has peaked my interest...doesn't make you jittery, FDA approved. This could just be the boost I need.

Yesterday at Walgreens, a pamphlet for the new drug caught my eye. I picked it up while I was in line and carried it out to the car. I briefly scanned it while I walked out the door. This was what I saw: "The active ingredient in Alli attaches to some of the natural enzymes in the digestive system, preventing them from breaking down about a quarter of the fat you eat. Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally." I made a joke to the person in the car with me as I handed her the flyer that I know what "naturally passes through the body means" and I don't think I am interested so much. She opened the flyer and as she "read" had me cracking up. (Now, you have to know this gal, her sarcasm always makes me laugh.)
She continues to "read" the flyer. She goes on to say that the excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza. ...you should wear dark pants until you know how this will affect you...recommend carrying an extra set of clothes...anal leakage, etc.
By now, I am laughing so hard. Then she says the funniest thing of them all...she wasn't making that stuff up! No Kidding! These were the comments from the actual Alli company trying to sell me their product.

They are trying to get me to buy this product, right?

Thanks God for the reminder that any journey that is worth taking doesn't have shortcuts!

The Quiz

Since I just blogged about the freedom to be real, I thought I'd take this highly scientific, ultra accurate quiz to confirm my realness...I guess I have a little work to do...

You Are 80% Real

You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself. Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great... But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults. As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.

How Real Are You?

Weight loss, gain...whatever

Well, I hope that one day I can get to the point where the number doesn't matter. I hope that someday I reach the point, in all aspects of my life, that I can use disappointments as a jumping off point for reflection. Currently, I do reflect, but I usually wait until after I have my big fat pity party. I look forward to the day when I can look at the lesson beforehand, not in hindsight. I am not there yet.

Yesterday, I went to weigh in. I went in feeling confident. I was doing well with my points, my clothes were fitting differently and when I weighed in the morning, I was down 2 pounds. I knew with a day of running around and eating ahead of me, I probably wouldn't be down that much at weigh in, but I was looking forward to seeing that number creep down. As you can probably guess, that is not what I saw when I got there. As the lady weighing me in put it so gently, "ooohhhh". I left there feeling irritated both at the gain and at her response. A gain of .8 of a pound. Now, in my rational moments, I know that in this excessive and ridiculous heat that we live in, that water retention and dehydration play a big part in minor weight fluctuation. I know that I need to increase the amount of water I drink to counter act the million degrees that I face each time I step outside. So, now that my pity party is over, I can say I see the lesson in it. I need to increase my water intake and not let the number decide how my week went. The things I knew going into that weigh in were still true...I was drinking more water an my clothes were fitting better. Most importantly, I felt good about myself. Am I really going to let less than 1 pound take that from me? Not today.

Freedom

Is it insane that 2 adults take 5 kids to Chick Fil A...did I mention the ages of those kids are 8, 4, 3, 2, and 1? Why do I find such joy in that? Why can't I stop laughing about the craziness of it all?

I think it's a rather simple answer. I'm not really going insane. I'm not really using it to cope. Rather, I am really relishing this season in my life. There are very real struggles going on - in my family and in the families of my community of friends. Not struggles like I can't decide which outfit to buy or even my bills are late struggles (though they are, of course). More like struggles of husbands being at war and kids going through autism diagnosis and endless evaluations and tough pregnancies and identity crises and the list goes on and on. And yet, in the midst of all of those things, those life changing events, there is so much freedom to be who I am. At 30 years old, I feel safe enough to uncover the layers. And the joy from that is profound. That I can cry over the injustices of my friends (that sometimes I have caused) and laugh at inappropriate things that just strike me hysterical (that no one else deems even remotely humorous) is freeing. I've never felt more real. I've never felt more "who I really am."

I think it helps that for me, I've found a kindred spirit. Not in that we share the same passions in every area of our life, or that we are bff's or bffae or whatever other acronyms there are. But I see that we share some core life beliefs and that in areas where I am lacking, she and her hubby are examples of how to walk that out in the most difficult of circumstances. She lets me share my guilt and then offers me the same advice that Jesus would...that I have the freedom to do it better next time. Plus, it helps that she laughs inappropriately with me and at me. I'm cherishing the time with her, as I am already anticipating that we won't always have the amount of time to spend together that we do right now.

I am grateful for this season. The Lord is so kind in His gift to me of this time. Of these people. I don't know if I'll always have such amazing friends within arms reach, but I do know that their gift of unconditional love will help keep me authentic. And when they fail at that, they've already taught me that He won't.

One more thing. Swimmer diapers and poop do not mix. Again. But that's a whole 'nother blog.

Friendship

Things have been hectic around here lately. I think naturally, summer is a time for change. Schedules and routines vary. Families go on vacations. Well, summer has definitely begun around here. The Cutie and I were on a trip to visit family out of town for 2 weeks. We returned and the next day the Racer and her family were on the road to enjoy a much needed family vacation. Through this time, I was realizing what a big part of my life my friends are. They are the ones who are there with me for the day to day. They are the ones who are watching my daughter as she grows and changes daily. And I do the same with their children. I had no idea when I began this journey of staying at home mom, how valuable my friendships with other moms would be. We are a group who we lovingly refer to as the Freak Show. If you have ever run into us on a trip to Mervyn's, you would surely know why. When this group gets together, it is not for the faint-of-heart, as many unsuspecting patrons and husbands have witnessed. We are 3 moms, 4 kids and another on the way. We are 2 diaper bags, 2 strollers, 3 car seats and a multitude of snacks. More than anything, we are the best of friends...all of us. We are each other's normalcy.

As I spent 2 weeks away from my home, away from my car, away from my friends...it was glaringly obvious to me how much I missed the freaks. I missed the day to day chatter. I missed being known. I looked forward to getting home and seeing my friends.
Well, yesterday was the day. With both the Racer and I home from our respective trips, we all gathered briefly at her home. Moms talking, kids playing. Ah, normalcy! (I noticed the Deadliest Catch made a quick exit :) It was only about 10 minutes we were all together, but 1 thing struck me. I looked over at my daughter and saw such contentment. She was basking in the comfort of being together again with her closest friends. Then I saw in on all of their little faces.

All along, I thought the Freak Show was about us moms, being there to support each other through this life. But yesterday, I quickly realized these relationships aren't only important for us, but also to our children. They need each other. We are teaching them lessons about friendship that will be lifelong. They will model the relationships they see us build.

The Freak Show will be under construction soon as we add a new baby and kindergarten and preschool to our mix. But, I can't wait. Life doesn't break us...it only make us freakier!
I can't wait for the blessings God has in store for us. He uses these friendships to grow and change us, to challenge and comfort us. So, thank you Freaks...I love you...each and every one!

1.5.0.

I've never actually spoken so openly about my weight. It's on the "forbidden questions to ask" list. You know: How old are you; How much do you weigh; Are you pregnant (or just getting bigger) - The list. In an effort to be more transparent and therefore hopefully a better example of who God is and what He can do, I've decided to post the number. I know only 1 other person reads this, and she already knows the number because I said it to her yesterday, but there's the possibility that someone else may read and see it. And I figured, this is step one in sharing with others. Not that I'm going to greet people "Hi, I weigh 150" but people ask about the weight loss, so it isn't always an awkward thing to share. I remember someone telling me how much they weighed a few months ago and envying the fact that they were so free to share the number. What has made us so apprehensive about one dumb number? I think it's that we've all bought into and contributed to the lie that smaller number = person's value/worth. I know I've bought that lie and reinforced it in myself.

So here's my new thinking about "the number." That number helps me recognize that I have lost 18 pounds. That number also helps me know that even though I am wearing the same jeans, they are not fitting the same (oh how butt tight and gross they must have fit!). That number will help me keep track of the next part of the health journey where the weight is going to come off much slower...it will help me stick to my goal once I reach it ~ it will help me catch myself before gaining back the weight.

I still have a long way to go in this journey. The next pound I lose will be the 1/2 way point. I'm giving myself 6 months to lose the second half. I want to be realistic about achieving my goal, so that's why I'm giving myself the extra time. I will have to be very careful when the holiday season approaches. Yes, I'm talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas in June. But the reality is that I have to have a plan ahead of time, or else I'll be back to my unhealthy ways. I'm thinking that Captain Mom and I will have to exercise alot and hang out together as I need major accountability!

Which brings me to another thing ~ if you're reading this Captain Mom (which you are the only one who reads this, so I hope you'll eventually glance over this post) THANKS. Thanks for challenging me to be a healthier me and starting this journey together. You could've left my poor behind on the curb at it's highest weight since 1998. But you didn't. You opened the opportunity and because of that, the Lord has been able to do some much needed work on me. And that is FAR better than any number on the scale.

The Real World - my corner

Well, my family is back from a very lovely, much needed vacation. We had a ton of fun with my parents. The eating was nice, too. I absolutely love my dad's cooking. It's most fantastic! I did very well the first half of my vacation. I kept track of what I was eating and monitored myself accordingly. The second half of the vacation I got lazy and told myself to just be aware and balanced. We did ALOT of walking, so I'm hoping that helped relieve some of the extra calories that I ate. Last night on the way home, I had a piece of pie. Not a good choice. In fact, it was a poor choice. I should've eaten 1/2 a candy bar and called it good. How quickly I lose focus of a healthier life when I am feeling crampy and bloated. Chocolate is my relief. I'm looking at that last sentence and thinking how sad that is. I could do other things that would serve my body WAY better than chocolate. Some examples: stretching, hot bath, quiet time, heating pad. Those are just some of the simple things. More importantly, I need to ask the Lord to help me replace that VERY bad habit in my life.
I'm in dire need of a weigh in. I don't know where I'm at with my weight loss right now, which makes me feel justified in my eating. The number (which I used to say I didn't care about) helps me to stay motivated for the week or helps me get my mind focused on better choices. I want this to be a life style change....but in order for that to happen I need to see my efforts have some affect on my overall weight battle. The battle is far from over.
This is typically the point where I become more lax. I'm at a weight where I can see the difference. But I want more than that. I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want my choices to reflect these desires.
I need to stay the course on this race to a healthier me.

Considering Commitment

OK, so I (Captain Mom) have been on the lookout for some motivation this week in my weight loss journey. At my Weight Watchers meeting tonight, our leader, Dale said something that really clicked for me. He said, "If you are looking at losing weight as your goal, you will go all out and quickly meet the goal and then go out and celebrate...probably with a hot fudge sundae. If you are looking at this as a lifestyle change, it really doesn't matter how long it takes." You have your entire life to get it right.

I will admit, on one hand (the one in which my commitment-phobia apparently resides), committing to something for the rest of my life is incredibly daunting. But, on the other hand, it sounds incredibly inviting to me. It takes the pressure off of having to get it all right. The beauty of it is that even though I am not getting it all right...I am not getting it all wrong. I am losing weight, fraction by fraction and slowly beginning to assimilate healthier habits into my daily life. I have the time to make the changes as best as I can. I can grace myself on the days that I emotionally eat because my life feels overwhelming. There is no weight loss disclaimer that states, "Diet over, December 10, 2007. Any and all weight not lost by this date will have to be carried into Eternity."

So, I am sure I will continue to have my moments of discouragement. I am sure I will continue to feel as though it is taking a long time to lose the weight. But for now, I stand tall and declare that I have lost .4 pounds in the last 3 weeks. I have lost 10.8 pounds in the 13 weeks since I began. At this current rate, without making any more changes, I could potentially meet my goal in about 9 months. SO WHAT if it takes that long...I'm going to be living my life anyway. If I wasn't doing this, I would probably have gained 10 pounds in the same amount of time. In order to maintain the weight loss, I am going to have to continue these same lifestyle choices anyway. So, why would it matter if I am losing or maintaining 9 months from now? What matters is that I am practicing a healthy lifestyle that my daughter can begin to model.

Most importantly, I feel free. Free to be myself. Free to make mistakes. Free to learn from my mistakes and do better next time. Free from self-imposed timetables. Free to know that I can make even healthier choices down the road. Free to make the changes I want to make today.

Thank you Dale for the motivation!

This weeks babystep: Drink more water (and free drinks that count as water).

My relationship with the wagon...on again, off again

So, in this journey of life, I have been trying to lose weight. I am trying to get to the point where I can say (and mean) I am trying to get healthy, but the fact of the matter is, that right now, I want to lose weight. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I no longer want my emotions to control what I put in my mouth. The Cutie and I just returned from a 2 1/2 week vacation where I am ashamed to say I feel off the wagon. Actually, I leaped off...it wasn't really accidental, which "fell off" does imply. I did not count points. I did not eat healthily. I did not even touch the workout dvd I had taken with me...unless you count the time that the Cutie pulled it out and I quickly took it from her little hands and returned it to the suitcase. (Well, I didn't want it to get scratched!) And the worst part was, there was no good reason for it. We rarely went out to dinner. There were not a whole lot of tempting snacks around the house. I had plenty of times when it was quiet at the house and no one was using either of the 2 dvd players. Frankly, I was just being lazy. So here it is, in all my realness, my revelation. It sounds silly when I admit it to myself, but it is true. I want to do this "diet thing" behind closed doors. I don't want to admit to others that I am trying to lose weight. Somehow in my mind, by saying it out loud, I am admitting to others that I am fat...as if they can't see the evidence for themselves. As if they wouldn't notice if I hadn't brought it up. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone other than myself, but now it is out there...for all of you to see :) I am not sure that this counts as incredible vulnerability knowing that currently, we have no other readers. But just knowing that others could stumble over here and might just endure one of my ramblings long enough to find this post, somehow makes it a little more risky...baby steps!

OK, back on task. What am I going to do?? Frankly, I am not quite sure. I don't want to be one of those people who tells everyone I meet about my "weight loss journey". But, I need some balance. I think part of the reason I keep it to myself is so that I won't feel like others are judging my choices. Maybe a little pressure knowing that others may think, "chocolate cake, again...interesting choice for someone who wants to lose a few..." maybe that will help me to think twice (some of the times). I don't know. What I do know is that I do really want this. I need to somehow reprogram my thinking so that I am willing to do the hard work now so I can reap the rewards later. Like I said before, I want to get to the point where I make good choices because it is good for my body. But right now, truth be told, when Major Hunk comes home for R&R, I want to feel confident enough in the way I look that I don't go hide in the dark...and eat ice cream. So, that is my goal, for now. Stay focused on the fact that in about 4 months, someone else will see this body naked. (aaaahhh!) If you'll excuse me, I have to go dig out that workout video now...