Baby Blues,

It's your birthday. And you're not here to celebrate it with us. My emotions are conflicted today. In every way I want to celebrate all of who you were and are in our lives. I'm not sure how to do that alongside the underlying sadness that lingers even as time moves on. My intention is to do it honestly, to cry tears that need to be shed for the loss, and to laugh fully when thinking about all of your precious qualities.

We made cupcakes to celebrate you last night. My girl asked what your favorite flavor of cupcake was. I sadly replied that we didn't get to know that about you. If you are anything like your brother, Dinoboy, you are certainly enjoying some heavenly chocolate cake. But in case you are not as inclined to love all things chocolate, we got the marble cake. What Not To Wear thought that would be best.

As we poured the batter into the tin, one was clearly overfilled. My girl said that one was for you, because it's your day. We frosted it and she wondered how we'd get it to you. I told her that you were having a WAY BETTER celebration in heaven, and that I'm sure you were having a much better cupcake as well.

Dirty Job contributed by taking a single bite out of nine of the cupcakes before I frosted them. He's sneaky like that. I wonder what kind of mischief you two would've gotten into...he certainly did love you. Just in an all up in your space way. And just so you know, I totally frosted the cupcakes and am taking them to the cemetery to celebrate with those who love you. I just haven't decided if I'll warn them about the missing piece of their cupcake yet...

I gave your brother chocolate donuts for breakfast on his first birthday. I wish you were here to do that for. He made all these bird sounds around one...would you be doing that, too? Would you be attempting to walk yet? What would your favorite food be? I have so many questions, sweet boy, so many...

One year ago, I held you in the hospital nursery, never imagining that this was the plan God had for your life. And yet, you taught me many things in your short time, and even in your passing. Thank you for teaching me more about friendship, forgiveness, and the sacred importance of appreciating the day-to-day. God has used you mightily to change this mama's heart.

But still, I miss you.