Movin' On Up

We we aren't going to the east side, but it's a catchy phrase that takes me back.

Anyway, the Racer mentioned that we may both be moving. It appears as though both the cryingmoms families will be purchasing their first homes. At the same time. Maybe even in the same week.

That is right. I think we have bought ourselves a house. I am still in a little denial about what it all means.

Without planning, both families began house-hunting around the same time.

Picture the Racer and I, strolling through homes enjoying the views and sipping our diet sodas.

Now, take that picture, and throw it out of your brain.

Instead, picture the Racer and I meeting up just about everyday while our hubbys worked. We saw countless houses and we did marvel at the wonders. Such as: pink ceiling fans, baby blue blinds, mirrored walls, etc. And these are just the homes we decided to purchase. There were also slime pools and giant murals and the granite countertop of certain death. Now, don't forget to insert our kids running around and a fair amount of wailing. (In all fairness, most of the homes we looked at were during school hours, so it was my child doing almost all of the wailing, for sure.)

So, as in standard operating procedure here at the cryingmoms, we are about to step into a new realm of chaos. We should be closing around the same time. Maybe even the same week. That may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but we are each other's free labor. And, we have most of the same friends. And we go to the same church. So, basically, if you know us personally, and have a knack for packing, painting, babysitting or have a truck...you may want to run for cover :) You can't say we didn't warn you.

A recap

This week has been a challenging one from all sides. I have been exhausted spiritually, emotionally, and physically.



Sunday marked one month since Baby Blues passing. His momma had an ok day. I bawled my head off. BFF, Captain and I went out that evening and BFF shared some pictures of Baby Blues that she had just had printed. Each and every one was so completely precious. I wanted to kiss every picture, but waited until I was in the privacy of my own home to do so. I just flat out miss him. A lot. A whole lot.



Monday brought another week of Bible Study, one which asked who is the editor in my "written plan" of life. Umm, OUCH. And then the mention that I can't do 1,000 things well. OUCH. And then obey my calling for this season of my life. OUCH.



Wednesday was the day from H.E. double hockey sticks. That's all I can say about that.



Thursday, Captain the Superfriend came to my rescue with some much needed alone time. It was a gift. Thursday evening I went to bookclub where we discussed a book that beat me to a pulp. When 2 of the characters names are Sorrow and Suffering, along with the main character being Much Afraid, well, that equals a WORD for me.



Today was a redemptive day. We got to spend time as a family (woo hoo) and I had a calm day with my kids once my hubs went to work. I packed the ceremonious first box for moving. I am so grateful for days like these. Nothing fancy, but a wonderful time together.



I leave at the crack of dawn to help my sister move to a new state...so I should go, well, pack.

Today...

Today has been a hard day. I just need to vent a little and then I am off to bed in hopes of waking up tomorrow to a better day.

It was a stressful day. Nothing major happened. In fact, the day started out just fine. We had a nice lunch and a fun time at the park. I think it all went downhill after the Cutie looked at me in the department store and asked for Baby Blues. After I once again explained that he has gone to heaven to be with Jesus, she said, "Go get 'im." Needless to say, it broke my already fragile heart into a million more pieces. It's amazing that a toddler can innocently put into words the way that so many of us adults are feeling. We just can't voice it, because we know the all too harsh reality.

After this encounter, I was short-tempered, irritable and angry. I regret the lost opportunities to minister to my wounded friend. I regret the missed opportunity to hug Dinoboy and just reassure him how much I love him.

I am so grateful for the grace of my God and my friends who will allow me the opportunity to do it better tomorrow.

Good night.

Weight and Wait

Well, I did it! I finally walked myself back into Weight Watchers after 2 long months away. I have been on an emotional eating frenzy. The scale did, in fact, take notice. So, here I am ready for a little accountability again. I gained 7.4 pounds in the past 2 months.

Wow.

That stings a little.

The worst part is that my clothes are fitting tighter now. Actually, now that I think about it, that's the best part. It was a quick reminder that I had to get under control. You see, I have been getting rid of any clothes as soon as they are too big. And you know, there was no way that I was going to go out and spend money on bigger clothes after I worked a year to get into smaller ones.

That reminds me...I have lost 30 pounds in the past year. While when I break it down week by week, it doesn't amount to much. But, as a whole, 30 pounds is a lot! And I have to keep reminding myself that if I hadn't been working at it this year, I could have easily gained another 20. When I put it that way, I could have hypothetically been 50 pounds heavier than I am today.

I need to let that sink it...

That information motivates me to get back on track. Even if I continue losing slowly, one year from now, I will be at my goal weight. Yippee!!

I hope to apply this to all areas of my life. Even if I can't make big changes today, I can still be a better wife, mother, friend and daughter a year from now.

So, my weight loss sisters, let me encourage you today: Even if you aren't doing your best, keep doing what you can do. Even if it feels like 1/2 a pound is discouraging...It will add up!! With a little determination and patience, we will be better next year than we are this year. And thinner too!

What changes have you made in the past year that didn't seem like it amounted to much until you were able to look back on it? Share with us.

A special health report.

OK, so I'm just back from taking Dirty Job to have his blood drawn and analyzed. For those just tuning in (I'm pretty sure there's none of you) Dirty Job is my 3 year old who was diagnosed with autism last year.

She found some interesting things, the MOST interesting is heavy metal toxicity. She saw it right away and plenty of it. She said she usually has to look around for it, search for it. You know it's bad when almost the entire computer screen is full of it and she asks to take a picture. You NEVER want your blood to be picture worthy. At least that's how I felt about it.

Some other things she spotted:

• candida
• T cells
• he's constantly releasing a histamine, which means he perpetually fighting off something

And even more...we'll have a phone consult soon to discuss everything and what our plan of action will be. I simply adored her...she loved my boy and that makes her a-ok in my book!

I'm off to research what exactly it is I just typed...

I just love it when the Lord speaks specific hope.

Hope for Tomorrow

This picture is from January, when Dirty Job first started preschool. Since then, he has:

• Learned some safety skills (staying in the yard, stopping when running too far ahead). Not perfected, but WAY improved from just 3 months ago.
• Started to parallel play
• Imitated counting (up to 4 or 5)
• said "The End" as you finish reading a book
• transitioned to a new occupational therapist
• used a PEC book to communicate VERY WELL
• said many words, including MaMa, backpack, sorry, his sisters name, Jesus, and ice cream. Most language others cannot understand, but I know what he's saying and that is huge.
• developed a love for dinosaurs that only Dinoboy trumps
• grown over an inch
• socialized with many a stranger, saying hi, play and bye to almost anyone.
• defied the autism spectrum, one spontaneous hug at a time.

I'm sure there are about 100 other things that I can't even remember. God's hand has moved in Dirty Job's life so amazingly in these last 3 months...I am so encouraged and my heart is overflowing with hope for what is to come.

Boom-Shaka-Laka

That title in no way relates to this post. Those words just popped into my head, and I put them down. Welcome to my random brain.

I haven't posted anything in awhile because, well, I started the same bible study as Cpt Mom, and that limits my words LIKE NO OTHER. I do have to confess, the last 2 mornings I haven't been able to do the study, and by 3 or 4pm my words and tone reflect that. Lovely. I am praying that much like developing better eating habits, thinking before speaking will become second nature. That's going to take some SERIOUS work of the Holy Spirit. Thankfully, He's up to the job!


In other news, it appears that my family is going to be moving. Into a house. That we are buying. That will be ours. I'm pretty sure I still can't believe it. The way the Lord worked through this is completely humbling...I am overwhelmed by His provision and His kindness towards me.

This means Cpt and I will be packing up our houses at the same time. This makes me laugh sadistically when I think about it too long. I'm sure it will make for some excellent stories. We are working up a calendar in which we trade off days of packing. Because really, who wants to pack alone with small children coming behind you and unpacking? At least this way, it's 2 boxes packed, 1 box unpacked. Unless Dirty Job is there. He can unpack like nobody's biz. He dumps out his box of toy animals at least 37 times a day. Needless to say, I will have to make sure the packing tape is next to me at all times in order to ensure some boxes make it out to the garage. Or that I can tape his arms down so he'd have to dump with his feet.

Can We Talk?

This is the title of the women's bible study we just started.

All I have to say is..." Wow."

The Lord has been patient with me on the topic of my words. Over time, I have felt the Lord's conviction over words I choose. I have a tendency to be sarcastic. I tend to say too much. Let me tell you, He has begun a mighty work in me with this study. Those convictions I have been feeling over time...they have been nothing compared to the all-out forehead slap that this bible study has brought with it.

So, as I venture into this new world of self-discovery and self-control, don't be surprised if the next time you see me, I don't have a lot to say.

I may have some holy duct tape over my mouth.

A Moment In Time

I was out of town for the weekend. I had a really great time of getting away, taking a break and hearing from the Lord. Major Hunk and Cpl Cutie had their first weekend alone together. I won't lie, I was nervous. I wanted it to be great and go smoothly and they would have a blast with each other. And they did! Thank you, Lord.

I picked her up from my brother-in-law's house where she was being watched for the interim time while I was en route home and the Major was off to work. I picked her up and she was fine. Happy to see me, but not thrilled. And, I tell you, that made me so happy. It means that she had a great weekend and all was well. She was asleep in about 10 minutes of us getting home. But, not before she could ask about some of her favorite people around. She asked me, "Where Dinoboy?" "Where Aunt Bff"? (This is her cousin and aunt and they are the best of pals.) Then she needed to call Dinoboy on the phone. Now, you need to understand that she isn't even 2 1/2 yet and he is 4 1/2. So, you can imagine, I was curious to hear what their conversation would sound like. So, I put the phone on speaker and called. I told my bff that Cutie wanted to talk to Dinoboy. He gets on and they just started chatting away. It sounded something like this:
Cutie: "Hi"
Dinoboy: "Hi"
*Pause*
CptMom: "Ask him what he is doing."
Cutie: "What doing?"
Dinoboy: "Just standing in the kitchen watching daddy bring in the bags from the car and then I am going to play a little bit and then I have to get ready for bed because it is almost my bedtime my bedtime is nine firty and it is almost nine firty."
Cutie: "Oh"
Dinoboy: "What are you doing Cutie?"
Cutie: Very intentional but unrecognizable toddler chatter
*Pause*
Dinoboy: "Ok...bye."

I have to say that it was quite incredible to recognize that I was listening to a two year old and a four and a half year old carrying on a conversation where they utilized the social rules of engagement. They took turns speaking and listening. They validated one another's statements. It was absolutely precious.

Then, she looked at me and asked, "Where Baby Boy?" My world stood still for a moment as I had to once again tell my little girl that her little cousin has gone to heaven to be with Jesus and that he won't be coming back.

What in the World?!?!?!

Today was a whirlwind...2 therapy sessions, lots of driving, coordinating babysitters for the weekend, meltdowns, homework, naps...I think somewhere in the middle of it all I signed some papers that said I wanted to buy a house. How did that happen?

You know you have missed the randomness...

I thought it was high time for a light-hearted post of random here at the CryingMoms.

I will be honest. Life has taken on a new type of seriousness these last few weeks and it feels so heavy. It seems like everywhere I go, some new tragedy awaits. It is weighing on my soul.

So, here is a list of ten random things that have happened this week.

• The Racer and I talked on the phone while we surfed the net. Our conversation was comical. I am quite certain had anyone been listening in, they would have thought we were completely crazy. Talk about randomness! It was like 2 separate conversations going on at the same time. Yet, we were both following.
  
• We ate some healthy snacks while we watched the Biggest Loser last night. That may have been a first for us. But, once again, the stress of the weigh in sent us running straight for the ice cream.
• I took the Cutie to the allergist for a milk challenge and they informed me that she had a fever. I felt like a real unobservant mom since I hadn't even noticed. The worst part was, once they told me, I still didn't think she felt warm.
• Major Hunk and I may be putting an offer on a house today. I saw it yesterday, fell in love, and my hubs will see it today.
• He's pretty sure he will like it, since I am the one who has never really been sold on any particular house before.
• I am a commitment-phobe. House hunting has proven to be nauseating for me over the past 3 years. This is the first house we have considered that doesn't make my stomach hurt or send me into mild anxiety attack. But, there is still time. I know, I have issues.
• I have somehow accumulated more laundry than I thought any 3 people could create. I hope to tackle it this morning. Yet, here I sit.
• My husband left me an encouraging note on my screen saver. So, each time my screen saver pops up, it tells me what a great wife and mom he thinks I am. It always makes me smile.
• My Cutie loves to take medicine and go to the doctor. No wrestling or bribery necessary.
  
• I have discovered so many little things in my life to be thankful for these past weeks. Relish in the little things.

Have a blessed week. Off to the mountain of laundry...

Some Memories

I remember when Cpt's bff was pregnant with Baby Blues. I remember talking to him as if he was a her until she found out she was expecting a boy. I would always rub her belly and talk to him, because I wanted him to know my voice. She is not touchy feely, but in her generous amount of grace allowed me the privilege.

I remember her sharing his name with me. I told her that if they were wrong, and she had a girl, that I would be getting pregnant so I could use his cool name.

I remember going to the hospital when he was born. I got to go into the nursery to hold him as his momma was still recovering. I kissed him and got to share a few private words with him. My ovaries were achin then! He looked like his big brother and he was everything that is right with the world.

I remember the first Sunday he was at church. I was extremely unwilling to share him with anybody. I held him and stared, and frankly missed most of the message. My friend had had a difficult pregnancy, but he was worth every moment of it.

I remember his baby shower - it was after he was born. I remember laughter and hugs and more ovary aches. This little boy had stolen his way into my heart. I remember thinking about all the fun that was to be had by the freak show.

I remember visiting him in the hospital when he was admitted shortly after he was born. I can't remember why he was there, but I remember he left with the need to be on Nutramagen, the world's most expensive formula. His sweet head had an IV in it, and I got to hold, kiss, and feed that cutie. I remember a tired momma and daddy lovin on their little man.

That's all the memories I can write today. My heart misses that sweet face.

What do you think?!?

Here are some interactions I have had with the Cutie over the past few weeks:

• she randomly asked to go potty and sat on the toilet for a moment
• she has learned to take off her diaper
• she left me a present on the floor...twice
• my personal favorite was the day I peeked out of the shower to see she had taken off her diaper and put on my underwear
• and just this morning, she said to me, "Mommy, stinky." She wasn't. About 3 minutes later, she was.
• This morning when I went to check on the Cutie, she was diaperless...in her sleep.

So, do you think someone is showing readiness signs for potty training?

Aaaahhh...I don't think I have the emotional capacity to deal with this yet...

Baby Blues

This post title just came to me. I wasn't even sure what it meant. But, as I typed it, it brought with it so many meanings.

The most obvious to me is that our family is so sad over the loss of this precious baby.
Baby Blues.

Baby Boy's trademark color was blue. It looked amazing on him.
Baby Blues.

He had deep blue eyes. When his mama spoke at his service, she described them as eyes that cut straight to her soul.
Baby Blues.

His eyes were big and wide set and competed only with his two giant dimples for your attention.
Baby Blues.






Life has taken on such a weird pace. It is like the world has stopped turning, yet, spins out of control all at the same time.

I should probably explain. This baby is my nephew. He is the son of my very best friend and sister to me. She and I have a connection that I couldn't even begin to explain. We have spent many years like one. Before we were married, our names rolled off the tongue as one. So much so that when our pastor extended her wedding invitation to our church family, he announced it as the wedding of "her name and my name", completely leaving out her future husband. Amidst the uproar, he said, "I knew I was going to do that! I even practiced so I wouldn't do that." You will often catch us speaking of "our kids", including the other's children in that title. And when they found out that they would be having another boy, she said, "I am so glad. Because the Cutie will always be "my girl". You will often hear one of us refer to "my boys and my girl" as if they are siblings.

I loved that little boy as if he were my own. I stayed up with him nights when the colic was bad and his mom and dad needed some sleep. I looked ahead to the days when he would have a little cousin who he could make up silly games for like his brother and Cpl Cutie did for him. And I often joked, "Don't worry Baby Boy, you will grow and your day of retribution will come." Fully expecting that he would grow into a feisty toddler who would give his talkative brother and bossy cousin a run for their money.

I can't believe he is gone. I wish I had held him more. I wish I had prayed over him more. And I wish I could walk into a room one more time and see those big baby blues pleading with me to pick him up.

God, I don't know Your plan in this. I trust in knowing that You have one.
Thank you for the honor of loving him. Thank you for the memories. May they never fade. Thank you for Your unashamed love for this family. It is palpable.

Dirty Job's Easter Hunt

Dirty Job immeadiately understood that there was candy inside of the plastic eggs.
Each time he found an egg, he wanted to stop, open it up, and shove the candy into his mouth.

I tried to convince him to keep hunting for the eggs and worry about the candy later, but he would have none of that. Reminds me of a song I know... He got it from his mama!