Sunday, May 10, 2009

Huh?

Things to take to the hospital when I go to feed the baby:

milk- check
pump accessories- check
camera- check
outfit for baby- check
bottle of water- check
mommy guilt- check. check.

I am finding it difficult to balance spending time with baby boy at the hospital and spending time with my girl at home.  I haven't even begun to try and get some time with my husband in the past 2 weeks.  I know that now that I am a mother of two, I will face this, but this situation I was so quickly thrust into has left me feeling quite inadequate.  I am ill prepared in how to divide my time between two little people who need me/want me so much and are in two seperate locations.  I will come up with a plan that seems to work and then the slightest thing has me doubting myself.  So, you know, like all the rest of motherhood...

I am still wading through the emotions of post-partum, dealing with the fact that I have a premature baby, pumping, pumping, pumping, and spending hours at a time behind a drawn curtain.  I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling.  It's all still very surreal.  I know others see it.  I am in a weird state of "I feel emotionless" and "I could burst into tears at any given moment."  And so, I feel the need to apologize.  I know I am not myself right now.  I don't know when I'll be back.  Other people see it.  They know I am not myself.  They get their feathers ruffled.  But, on the other hand, I feel as though they need to see beyond themselves and recognize that my world has been knocked completely off-kilter.  (I know, not a very gracious response- just keepin' it real.)

So, if you see me wandering around with a dazed and confused look on my face.  If you ask me a question and I can't even formulate and answer.  If I seem to be incapable of processing what you are saying to me.  If I write a post consisting of all sentence fragments.

Know that it's not you...it's me.

6 comments:

Pollyanna said...

I'm in tears! You have so much love coming your way. Know that the people that matter, know that you are in an emotional crazy place. They will be there for you THROUGH this. You have so much love around you and you are truely blessed.

It is OK to feel what you are or aren't feeling. This is a huge thing. You are the only one that gets to decide how you will deal with everything. And believe me, you have years and years for Mommie guilt;) I think we perfect it over the years.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PumpMoms/
Pumping is so hard. You may think all you do is put your girls in and go. But there is so much more than that. I joined this group and it saved my breastfeeding back when I needed the extra help. It is emotional having to deal with the pump and a premature baby. Even if you plan to nurse exclusively, since you are pumping at all right now, it may be a place to ask any question you have and know that the answer will be answered by other women in similar shoes.

Also take a minute for yourself. You have a lot going on. Life is messy. No one has it easy all the time. And people that look like they do, are trying too hard to pretend something that isn't real. Everyone goes through times in their life that aren't pretty or easy. But that does not mean you need to apologize for your feelings at all. And you don't have to keep quiet about them either.

Love and hugs coming your way. Keep it real girl!

Amazing Racer said...

In no particular order (so weird of me, I know):

~ You are doing great. With both kiddos. No, REALLY. You are.

~ Mommy guilt. The constant companion. I hope to rid myself of it someday. Maybe that's what grandparenting is for?

~ Are you trying to say that you're just not that into me?

~ Have I mentioned that you are doing a fabulous job?

Anonymous said...

You are loved, admired, prayed for and truly amazing in all you are doing. Our family motto is for you today: "I can do anything if I know it is temporary." Your place in life right now is temporary--you will make it!
Gma K

Anonymous said...

I think you are doing an amazing job keeping the balance. The girl is happy and secure in the love of her family, and the baby is growing in the strength of your love.

Kirsten said...

My prayers are with you!

Mary said...

(((HUGS))) I haven't been on in a while, but wanted to let you know that I am praying for you - for God to strengthen you and help you find peace, balance, rest and joy. I can imagine this must be hard for you right now. Lots of prayers going up for you and your family.

Take care,
Mary