Things to take to the hospital when I go to feed the baby:
Sunday, May 10, 2009
pump accessories- check
outfit for baby- check
bottle of water- check
mommy guilt- check. check.
I am finding it difficult to balance spending time with baby boy at the hospital and spending time with my girl at home. I haven't even begun to try and get some time with my husband in the past 2 weeks. I know that now that I am a mother of two, I will face this, but this situation I was so quickly thrust into has left me feeling quite inadequate. I am ill prepared in how to divide my time between two little people who need me/want me so much and are in two seperate locations. I will come up with a plan that seems to work and then the slightest thing has me doubting myself. So, you know, like all the rest of motherhood...
I am still wading through the emotions of post-partum, dealing with the fact that I have a premature baby, pumping, pumping, pumping, and spending hours at a time behind a drawn curtain. I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling. It's all still very surreal. I know others see it. I am in a weird state of "I feel emotionless" and "I could burst into tears at any given moment." And so, I feel the need to apologize. I know I am not myself right now. I don't know when I'll be back. Other people see it. They know I am not myself. They get their feathers ruffled. But, on the other hand, I feel as though they need to see beyond themselves and recognize that my world has been knocked completely off-kilter. (I know, not a very gracious response- just keepin' it real.)
So, if you see me wandering around with a dazed and confused look on my face. If you ask me a question and I can't even formulate and answer. If I seem to be incapable of processing what you are saying to me. If I write a post consisting of all sentence fragments.
Know that it's not you...it's me.