Just write!

I don't know what to write. I sit here tonight feeling so much, yet, I have no words. I considered not putting anything in writing for this reason. But, the point of this blog is to be real, to be vulnerable...to come just as we are.

I have spent the past 6 days surrounded by family. I have laughed, eaten, played games and watched our little ones explore the world. I have taken walks and sat on the patio. I have enjoyed incredible weather. I even sat through a rainstorm. I have colored multiple sidewalks with colorful chalk. I have cuddled a baby and rocked and swayed as I kiss his baby soft skin.

I have sat in a room full of loved ones and felt oddly out of touch. I have been impatient as my little girl has whined to be picked up, yet again. I have been resentful that I can't be involved in the card game because I need to attend to my child. I have been wistful as I watch a little girl play with her daddy...and watch my little girl look on...wanting to get involved. I have been lonely in a roomful of people.

These daily encounters leave me feeling torn. I am thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am struggling with the life I have been called to lead. I am grateful for the lessons I am learning in this journey. I am guilty for being irritable and impatient. But, more than anything, I am humbled. Humbled by a God who loves me so much that He is willing to challenge my comfort in order to prosper my family.

Thank you God for the good work you are doing in my family. I continue to see miracles in my husband's life. I have seen him grow leaps and bounds through this deployment. I see excitement and wonder in my daughter's eyes. May my frustration never squash her pure joy. And Lord, keep my eyes focused on you. That I would not spend so much time focused on my problems that I lose sight of you. And Lord, especially when I don't feel it, remind me of my daily blessings. Help me to have a heart that is tender to your leading. In Jesus Name. Amen.