Sunday, March 22, 2009

Some middle of the night ramblings...

Well, here I am again.  I cruised on into bed around 12am to be awakened by the Cutie at 1am.  I haven't been able to go back to sleep ever since.  (it's almost 4am...)  I don't have any actual organized thoughts, like I had hoped I might.  But, here goes nothing. 

I really need to slow my life down.  I don't know how to do this.  I have so many things I need to get done and so many that I want to get done in a day, that I have a difficult time sitting with my feet up for more than a few minutes at a time before 7 pm.  On Wednesday, I had a day of rest.  I didn't leave the house and I spent some time reading and even dozed a little on the couch.  I did accomplish some things, but not much really.  I didn't wear my maternity belt for half the day and had very few contractions.  The days since then I have been up on my feet for most of the day and while not doing strenous activity, constantly on the go.  Each day since, I have had contractions even while wearing the belt all day.  Hello...See a connection??  Why, yes, maybe I do.  

This is where my head starts messing with me.  I see the value in resting more and doing less.  I feel it even,  I see that I could be, in fact, causing many of these symptoms by my lifestyle.  But, on some level, I still feel as though I am a failure as a wife and mom if I can't do it all myself.  If I can't do all the housework, take my daughter to the library, work, support friends, fix dinner and still be awake to spend time with my husband at the end of the day, that I have not lived up to my end of the bargain.  You know, that unspoken bargain I made with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  

The part where it really gets tricky for me is that, I believe, some people in my life also feel this way.  I feel judged if I don't do all the things I set out to do.  I feel like a disappointment if they have to pick up some of my slack.  And while I know it is perfectly ok to say that I can't do it all, my people pleaser is devestated when I catch the disapproving glances or nuances.  And then the passive-aggressive side of me rears it's ugly head and I want to take it all back, to do it all!  To do even more than before just to prove that I can.  All the while, I am bitter towards others for not recognizing that I need help.  When in fact, how would they know, because I don't want to bother anyone with the way I am feeling, so I usually keep it to myslef.  I know it is a terrible and unhealthy cycle and incredibly unfair to those around me.  Not to mention, irresponsible and unfair to the life inside of me.  But, I am just being real and honest about the things I think about.  (My's a scary place, people.)

All this to say that in the next couple of months, I am going to be doing some re-evaluating.  I will need to make decisions as to the things I can let others do and the things that can be left undone.  I will need to schedule times to rest even when that means that I may get a disapproving glance.  I may need to skip storytime or a playgroup.  But, most importantly, before I make any decisions, I need to first schedule in time with the One who gives me each and every moment.

Please pray with me that I will seek out some precious time with my Savior and begin to align my priorities with His.  I am so thankful that He uses these difficult times to show me the areas where I need to be refined.  That He loves me enough to push me out of the comfort zone where I have to rely on Him.


Amazing Racer said...

You should have most definitely called me to discuss this...I was up!

I love you and your fam times a million, so if there's anything I can do to help, let me know. And about the work, if it's time to step away, just let me know that, too.

Elizabeth said...

I understand you so completely. My husband is always telling me to stop trying to please everyone and just slow down and relax---but that disappointment from others is so unbelievably painful. Even now when I feel like we have way too much to do and we're so overwhelmed because of it, we're going to help my sister move on Saturday after a week of IEP meetings and doctor visits. Ahhhh!!

I am praying for you to find your happy medium between working hard and hardly working :) Sometimes, you need to just shove everything away and be selfish for a little while. Or you'll fall apart trying to please them all.