Monday, June 9, 2008


Last year in August, at our Rest Retreat, Cpt Mom had picked up some coordinating pj's for the freakshow. What Not To Wear and Cpl Cutie had pink ones and Dinoboy and Dirty Job had red and brown ones. They didn't have matching pj's in Baby Blues' size. We thought it'd be fun to have a freakshow picture taken at the local portrait studio...we just need to find some coordinating colors for Baby Blues.

Fast forward a few months to around Christmastime. No freakshow picture, but Cpt Mom and I spotted some coordinating digs for the little guy, so we could get our act together and get the picture.

One of our many bazillion questions following Baby Blues' passing had been did we ever get one single picture of all the freaks. And I searched a little, and Cpt searched a little, and I'm pretty sure that bff searched some, too. And there was no picture to be found. How could this have happened? Why did we not have one picture of the freaky five between the 3 moms? To say it hurt my heart is an understatement. There are no words for the regret.

A few weeks back, while helping Cpt pack, we had to face those pjs. We could NEVER have the kids picture taken in them now, and yet she couldn't ever think of getting rid of them. It was such a somber moment for me. A moment where I saw the importance of cherishing every moment, wishing for time to slow down and better yet, go back. I was so sad that we had missed the opportunity and would never be able to get it back. Devastating.

This evening, I was over at Cpt's helping her pack some more, and I was clearing off her pony know, one of those places that are a "catch all." I found gold there this evening. Gold in the form of a Chuck E Cheese black and white low resolution picture of all five freaks. At first glance I only saw the 4 older kids, but when I really looked, I saw the sacred gift that this piece of paper was...a one of a kind, never to be had again picture memory of our children together. The dark hair of Dinoboy contrasted with all the blondies, Baby Blues sweet face sleeping, nobody looking at the camera, raw joy from the excitement that is a pizza playland. My heart burst in two different ways. For the joy that was the discovery. The overwhelming feeling of God's mercy in the find. That we did, indeed, capture the very best part of our jobs as moms...our precious children, doing life together.

On the other hand was the heartbreak of knowing this is the only one. There will never be another freakshow picture that will have all 5 kids. The reminder that my heart will always ache over that fact. That he will not have his day of retribution towards the hovering bigger kids as all the others did. That I cannot love on him again this side of heaven.

For this moment, I am choosing to rejoice in the treasure. I choose to kiss the picture a hundred times and cut it out, frame it, and let it be the first picture I hang in my home. Because each one of these freaks is someone to celebrate!


CPT Mom said...

Such a precious find!

It will be a treasured keepsake.

(So glad you decided not to just throw all that stuff in a box. You know, it would have been a long time before I ever got around to going through that stuff, if ever.)