Reflections

It has been just over a year since my Major Hunk returned from his deployment.  Exactly one year since he was back in my arms, I was bidding him goodbye at the airport sending him off to a training conference.  It's only a week long.  But it did get me thinking...  

Time is such an interesting thing.  On one hand, it seems like he just returned, and on the other, like the deployment is a distant memory.  

Two years ago found me preparing for our first holiday apart.  I was still strong then.  The loneliness didn't really take root until a few months later.  I had a one year old to keep me busy.  But the more she started to change and grow into a little person, the more difficult it became to accept that he was missing it.

One year ago found me a nervous wreck as we waited for those hangar doors to open.  Crying tears of relief that my love had made it home safely from war.  We were both changed people.  As we couldn't wait to be back together, we were both nervous about what it might look like in our daily lives.  Our daughter stared at the same man and wondered why everyone was so excited about him.  And then she really got nervous when he came to our house and he stayed...  And we won't even mention what she thought of him getting anywhere near her mom.

One week ago found me out of town on some family business longing for my family.  However,  my husband and daughter were having a blast and bonding in ways that one year ago didn't even seem possible.  And two days later when we had to send him off to his training, you found our daughter crying for Daddy.  Today finds her busy making plans for Daddy to take her to the park when he gets home in two days.  It makes this mama's heart melt each time I see her run and leap into his arms.

When I think back on these past 3 years in bullet points like this, it is hard to believe where we have been and where we are today.  Such is life.  As we continue this journey called life, I hope I always remember to take the time to reflect.  It is often in the reflection that we clearly see things that the busyness of life seems to blur.

He is home!!

I just wanted to give you a quick update and let you all know that Major Hunk is home!!!

In all the excitement, I didn't take any pictures. I had to keep my hands free to hug my man!

So, I will round up pictures from family and friends and post a few at another time.

Meanwhile, we will be enjoying our time as a family of three.

The Cutie is responding much better to him so far.

Thanks for praying! I will be back soon.

He is on American Soil...

I am going to try include a picture of some of the soldiers from my husband's unit getting off the plane at their reintegration station. I haven't seen him yet, that will come later this week. But, when he texted this picture to me, I had myself a big, fat cry.



My husband is home safely from war.

I think I just took my first breath since 2006.

Update

Well, I know you all have been on pins and needles and such to see if and when my husband will arrive. As is the army way, we have spent lots of time hurrying up and waiting. Last week I got a call from him that he was leaving about a week early to meet up with a group that had been stranded somewhere in Asia. Woo Hoo! (To clarify: I am excited that he would be leaving early, not that the others were stranded.) Then a few days later to say that they had met up with the other group and it appears as though there are no scheduled flights out for a while. (Good thing they rushed over, huh?) So, now we are left with a bunch of non-answers. Then we heard they would be delpayed and wait for the next group to arrive. Maybe Thursday, maybe Monday. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But, don't you worry, we wives are all over it. If there is any information to be had, we will sniff it out. It is almost comical how many times a day my phone rings asking if I have any new information. And each call ends with "if you hear anything else, let me know". I have reached the point where I just laugh and we take turns reminding each other that they will indeed, be home soon. Even if we don't know how soon that will be.

The beauty of it all is that he is safe and sound and out of a war zone. I never realized what a toll this played in my sub-conscious until the first time I said it aloud and teared up.

So, while I wait, I take much comfort in knowing that my husband is safe and is on his way home to me...no matter how long it may take.

Processing

There was much debate in my military wives community whether or not we would attend the homecoming of the first wave of soldiers to return from our unit. I was excited to see them home. I was there to see them all leave their families and I felt it important to see them reunited as well. No, my husband is not in this group. As of right now, I don't even know which group he will be in. There will be 3, possibly 4, groups to return our 432 soldiers back into their families arms.

I don't even know how to process what it is that I experienced today. It was pride, excitement, disappointment and gratitude all wrapped into one. I shed some tears. Some for the pride that I felt in getting to be a part of something so powerful. Some for the excitement of watching these families waving at their soldier as if they might burst with joy. Some for the disappointment that I don't know how long I have to wait for this day to be mine. And many for the gratitude that all 432 soldiers will be reunited with their families. Our God is big , people. This unit flew more combat missions than any other in the 8 years supporting OEF. They have suffered no casualties and were awarded only 1 purple heart. As the General said today, "In civilian speak, they flew a lot of missions and they kicked a lot of butt." Well said, General.

I don't know what else to say as I am still processing, but I look forward to doing it again soon.

Now...I need to go make some more signs.


Lord God, thank you for your divine power. Thank you for being the God that beats the odds. I pray that each soldier will be reunited quickly and safely with their family. Allow each family to have a time of pure enjoyment and relax in this moment. Ease the anxieties that creep in as you reunite with someone you haven't lived with in such a long time. Create smooth transitions for each family. And most of all, Lord, allow each soldier and their family members to feel your ever-present love in their homes and in their hearts. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Weighing In

Well, since I have been silent on this front, you can probably guess that my weight loss journey has taken a back seat since the holidays. I have been able to maintain and even lost a couple of pounds over the past month, so it has all worked out fine.

But, I am pleased to announce that I have been distracted.
I am distracted because my husband is COMING HOME after 21 months!!!

Here's hoping I can use my nervous energy for good instead of eating myself senseless.

Updated Stats:

Starting weight: 188.4
Todays' weight: 160.6
Total loss: 27.8

Ok, so looking back, I was 161.2 on Nov 20. Wow, I have lost .6 pounds in a month and a half. That is ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I haven't gained.
However, it is good accountability for me to see that written out. Here's hoping that I can find the motivation to lose the last 15 pounds now that my life is going to be in major transition.

Either way, I am looking forward to stepping into this new phase in my life.

Welcome, 2008!

Well, here I am on the eve of a new year. I find myself feeling all sorts of emotions about this new year, a blank slate. My military wives have been reminding me what 2008 will bring this year: our husbands home! That pretty much makes 2008 my favorite year ever. But, I anticipate that with it, the year will bring me so much more.

My biggest prediction for 2007 was that I would graciously represent the Lord's provision during this difficult time in my life. That I would draw near to Him and draw on His strength giving hope to those who don't know Him.

Here is what I found to actually be true in 2007: I have been a trainwreck. Often, I did not feel close to the Lord, in contrast, I sometimes felt very distant from Him. Many times I have felt as though I couldn't pray, even when I wanted to. I have spent a lot of time complaining and feeling sorry for myself. And I have spent time bitter toward family and friends who have disappointed me. I have developed friendships that helped to sustain me. I made memories that I will not likely forget. I have been reminded what a gift marriage is. I have learned how lonely it is to parent alone And, I have watched our baby grow into a toddler right before my eyes.

Through all of it, the ups and the downs, the Lord has been with me. I haven't reflected Him in the way I had hoped I would. I have been more self-centered in this season of my life than in any other. And, truthfully, I have been disappointed in myself all too often. Yesterday morning I sat in church feeling very fragile. So much so, that I almost fled the building. Really, almost gathered my things, picked up my daughter and left the premises. But, I was hopeful that this feeling meant that the Lord had something special for me that morning. So, I briefly wept in the bathroom and then slipped into the back of the sanctuary. As I worshiped, I felt the Lord close to me. I confessed to Him how disappointed I have been in myself through this process. And He pressed in on my heart. He left the impression that He needed me to travel through this dark time. That it has been purposed. After that encounter, I didn't feel so fragile anymore. The tears dried up and I felt hopeful. Hopeful that I haven't been just a big, fat disappointment to myself and others, but instead have been learning valuable lessons that the Lord will use at another time to fulfill His great purpose. Then Dirty Job and I rushed the alter in a holy sprint toward the platform :)

So, yes, 2008 will be the year that my husband returns to me from war. But I have a feeling that it holds so much more!

Christmas

It is officially the night before Christmas Eve. In my family, "Christmas" encapsulated both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. So, to me, it feels like Christmas is tomorrow. Only, it doesn't feel like Christmas is tomorrow. I've got a bad case of the lonelys. Any special day sucks to have your husband 8000 miles away.

I visited some other blogs tonight and was reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. I can get very wrapped up in the family aspect of the holidays. To me, holidays=family. I am so thankful for the reminder that the Savior who was born to save me can cross those 8000 miles this week (or any day for that matter). That holidays do equal family, but because Jesus is a part of my family I will always spend holidays with Him. It was just the reminder that I needed to stop focusing on myself and spend more time looking to our God this week.

Merry Christmas all!! And many blessings for 2008.

Nightly Routine

On days like today, I am always tempted to throw our nightly routine to the wayside and drop my girl in her crib and curl up on the couch. You know the days...meltdowns in the church toddler class, attempting to take toddler into service with you, doesn't work so you spend the time running the halls with above toddler. I was spent. I just wanted her to go to bed tonight. But, I know the risks. Mess with the nightly routine= mess with a good night's sleep.

This is what our quiet time looked like tonight: Get the Cutie settled and into her pajamas. Lay her on the couch with all her necessary items. She looks at me and says, "Daddy story." (For Christmas, the soldiers sent their little ones a book with a dvd recording of them reading the story.) I turn on the story and let her watch it a few times. I can't resist her requests for "More Daddy". I told her this is the last time we are going to watch the daddy story tonight and then you need to get ready for bed. When the story is done, we sing our song and pray. After all this, we talked about how much her daddy loves her and that he is coming home soon. I explain that he is going to come home and live in our house. Mommy and Daddy and Cutie will all live in our house. She smiled knowingly and I asked her, "Are you excited for Daddy to come home and live with us?" She looked at me out of the corner of her eyes and smiled her sly little grin and nodded her head. My heart leaped for joy. I know that this does not mean that the adjustment is going to be easy. But, I felt like, for the first time, she showed some understanding that her daddy is, in fact, coming home to stay with us. The look on her face tonight was different, like an acknowledgement of some sort.

Please join me in praying that the adjustment will go well. I know that the Lord honors the prayers of His children. I have begun trying to implement some new strategies in hopes of making the transition a little smoother for her. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Balance

I have been thinking about this crazy journey called deployment. I was reflecting about the many incredible women I have met along they way. These are women I didn't know pre-deployment. I have laughed with them, cried with them, but overall just had fun times with them. We are a happy bunch. You would think so too if you happened upon us on one of our night's out. I believed this, until I saw a few R&R pictures. Let me tell you, in those pictures I saw a happiness on those women's faces that I had never seen in all the times that I have laughed with them. It was like they were made to be in their husband's arms. Like without him, a part of her had been missing. It was beautiful.

On the day of Major Hunk's arrival, we were greeted by friends and family at the airport. I, of course, cried. But as we were saying our goodbye's, our pastor said to me, "It's good to see you smiling." I remember thinking that was a funny thing to say because I smile. And I laugh.A lot. The next week at church he said, "You are still smiling. That is so great." Weird. Now, I don't mope around. I do not share with many about my struggles (I save those for a select few...sorry, Racer). I try to put on a happy face as I tackle each day. So, what is he talking about? On Wednesday night, I sat in a bible study taught by above said pastor. I wasn't feeling sad. I wasn't having a particularly difficult day. But, all of a sudden, I could feel the look on my face. I don't know if that makes sense. But, I could feel the way I looked and in a way could sense what he sees as he teaches me and looks out into the audience each week. And in that moment, I realized I was one of those women. I am one who looked different in my R&R pictures. I am one who feels incomplete while my husband is half a world away.

And, after much reflection, I think I have been able to pinpoint it. I am still the same me that I was before he left. I do not need him to validate who I am. My God does that. I am just distracted. I am distracted by the unconscious feelings. There is always a certain amount of fear, anticipation and loneliness that I carry around. I work hard not to let it take over. I am constantly trying to balance. That is it really. I live in a world that feels out of balance and I am working hard to stay upright. To not fall on my face.

So, while I haven't realized it until now. I have been, in a way, absent. So, to my friends and family who have felt put out by my lack of emotion, I can see it now. I apologize. Please know that I do celebrate and grieve with you: even though I may not be able to show it well. I hope you have not mistaken my reserved emotion for not caring. Because I do care. A lot. I just can't get too emotional and risk losing the balance I have worked so hard for the past 19 months to attain.