Weight loss, gain...whatever

Well, I hope that one day I can get to the point where the number doesn't matter. I hope that someday I reach the point, in all aspects of my life, that I can use disappointments as a jumping off point for reflection. Currently, I do reflect, but I usually wait until after I have my big fat pity party. I look forward to the day when I can look at the lesson beforehand, not in hindsight. I am not there yet.

Yesterday, I went to weigh in. I went in feeling confident. I was doing well with my points, my clothes were fitting differently and when I weighed in the morning, I was down 2 pounds. I knew with a day of running around and eating ahead of me, I probably wouldn't be down that much at weigh in, but I was looking forward to seeing that number creep down. As you can probably guess, that is not what I saw when I got there. As the lady weighing me in put it so gently, "ooohhhh". I left there feeling irritated both at the gain and at her response. A gain of .8 of a pound. Now, in my rational moments, I know that in this excessive and ridiculous heat that we live in, that water retention and dehydration play a big part in minor weight fluctuation. I know that I need to increase the amount of water I drink to counter act the million degrees that I face each time I step outside. So, now that my pity party is over, I can say I see the lesson in it. I need to increase my water intake and not let the number decide how my week went. The things I knew going into that weigh in were still true...I was drinking more water an my clothes were fitting better. Most importantly, I felt good about myself. Am I really going to let less than 1 pound take that from me? Not today.

Freedom

Is it insane that 2 adults take 5 kids to Chick Fil A...did I mention the ages of those kids are 8, 4, 3, 2, and 1? Why do I find such joy in that? Why can't I stop laughing about the craziness of it all?

I think it's a rather simple answer. I'm not really going insane. I'm not really using it to cope. Rather, I am really relishing this season in my life. There are very real struggles going on - in my family and in the families of my community of friends. Not struggles like I can't decide which outfit to buy or even my bills are late struggles (though they are, of course). More like struggles of husbands being at war and kids going through autism diagnosis and endless evaluations and tough pregnancies and identity crises and the list goes on and on. And yet, in the midst of all of those things, those life changing events, there is so much freedom to be who I am. At 30 years old, I feel safe enough to uncover the layers. And the joy from that is profound. That I can cry over the injustices of my friends (that sometimes I have caused) and laugh at inappropriate things that just strike me hysterical (that no one else deems even remotely humorous) is freeing. I've never felt more real. I've never felt more "who I really am."

I think it helps that for me, I've found a kindred spirit. Not in that we share the same passions in every area of our life, or that we are bff's or bffae or whatever other acronyms there are. But I see that we share some core life beliefs and that in areas where I am lacking, she and her hubby are examples of how to walk that out in the most difficult of circumstances. She lets me share my guilt and then offers me the same advice that Jesus would...that I have the freedom to do it better next time. Plus, it helps that she laughs inappropriately with me and at me. I'm cherishing the time with her, as I am already anticipating that we won't always have the amount of time to spend together that we do right now.

I am grateful for this season. The Lord is so kind in His gift to me of this time. Of these people. I don't know if I'll always have such amazing friends within arms reach, but I do know that their gift of unconditional love will help keep me authentic. And when they fail at that, they've already taught me that He won't.

One more thing. Swimmer diapers and poop do not mix. Again. But that's a whole 'nother blog.

Friendship

Things have been hectic around here lately. I think naturally, summer is a time for change. Schedules and routines vary. Families go on vacations. Well, summer has definitely begun around here. The Cutie and I were on a trip to visit family out of town for 2 weeks. We returned and the next day the Racer and her family were on the road to enjoy a much needed family vacation. Through this time, I was realizing what a big part of my life my friends are. They are the ones who are there with me for the day to day. They are the ones who are watching my daughter as she grows and changes daily. And I do the same with their children. I had no idea when I began this journey of staying at home mom, how valuable my friendships with other moms would be. We are a group who we lovingly refer to as the Freak Show. If you have ever run into us on a trip to Mervyn's, you would surely know why. When this group gets together, it is not for the faint-of-heart, as many unsuspecting patrons and husbands have witnessed. We are 3 moms, 4 kids and another on the way. We are 2 diaper bags, 2 strollers, 3 car seats and a multitude of snacks. More than anything, we are the best of friends...all of us. We are each other's normalcy.

As I spent 2 weeks away from my home, away from my car, away from my friends...it was glaringly obvious to me how much I missed the freaks. I missed the day to day chatter. I missed being known. I looked forward to getting home and seeing my friends.
Well, yesterday was the day. With both the Racer and I home from our respective trips, we all gathered briefly at her home. Moms talking, kids playing. Ah, normalcy! (I noticed the Deadliest Catch made a quick exit :) It was only about 10 minutes we were all together, but 1 thing struck me. I looked over at my daughter and saw such contentment. She was basking in the comfort of being together again with her closest friends. Then I saw in on all of their little faces.

All along, I thought the Freak Show was about us moms, being there to support each other through this life. But yesterday, I quickly realized these relationships aren't only important for us, but also to our children. They need each other. We are teaching them lessons about friendship that will be lifelong. They will model the relationships they see us build.

The Freak Show will be under construction soon as we add a new baby and kindergarten and preschool to our mix. But, I can't wait. Life doesn't break us...it only make us freakier!
I can't wait for the blessings God has in store for us. He uses these friendships to grow and change us, to challenge and comfort us. So, thank you Freaks...I love you...each and every one!

1.5.0.

I've never actually spoken so openly about my weight. It's on the "forbidden questions to ask" list. You know: How old are you; How much do you weigh; Are you pregnant (or just getting bigger) - The list. In an effort to be more transparent and therefore hopefully a better example of who God is and what He can do, I've decided to post the number. I know only 1 other person reads this, and she already knows the number because I said it to her yesterday, but there's the possibility that someone else may read and see it. And I figured, this is step one in sharing with others. Not that I'm going to greet people "Hi, I weigh 150" but people ask about the weight loss, so it isn't always an awkward thing to share. I remember someone telling me how much they weighed a few months ago and envying the fact that they were so free to share the number. What has made us so apprehensive about one dumb number? I think it's that we've all bought into and contributed to the lie that smaller number = person's value/worth. I know I've bought that lie and reinforced it in myself.

So here's my new thinking about "the number." That number helps me recognize that I have lost 18 pounds. That number also helps me know that even though I am wearing the same jeans, they are not fitting the same (oh how butt tight and gross they must have fit!). That number will help me keep track of the next part of the health journey where the weight is going to come off much slower...it will help me stick to my goal once I reach it ~ it will help me catch myself before gaining back the weight.

I still have a long way to go in this journey. The next pound I lose will be the 1/2 way point. I'm giving myself 6 months to lose the second half. I want to be realistic about achieving my goal, so that's why I'm giving myself the extra time. I will have to be very careful when the holiday season approaches. Yes, I'm talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas in June. But the reality is that I have to have a plan ahead of time, or else I'll be back to my unhealthy ways. I'm thinking that Captain Mom and I will have to exercise alot and hang out together as I need major accountability!

Which brings me to another thing ~ if you're reading this Captain Mom (which you are the only one who reads this, so I hope you'll eventually glance over this post) THANKS. Thanks for challenging me to be a healthier me and starting this journey together. You could've left my poor behind on the curb at it's highest weight since 1998. But you didn't. You opened the opportunity and because of that, the Lord has been able to do some much needed work on me. And that is FAR better than any number on the scale.

The Real World - my corner

Well, my family is back from a very lovely, much needed vacation. We had a ton of fun with my parents. The eating was nice, too. I absolutely love my dad's cooking. It's most fantastic! I did very well the first half of my vacation. I kept track of what I was eating and monitored myself accordingly. The second half of the vacation I got lazy and told myself to just be aware and balanced. We did ALOT of walking, so I'm hoping that helped relieve some of the extra calories that I ate. Last night on the way home, I had a piece of pie. Not a good choice. In fact, it was a poor choice. I should've eaten 1/2 a candy bar and called it good. How quickly I lose focus of a healthier life when I am feeling crampy and bloated. Chocolate is my relief. I'm looking at that last sentence and thinking how sad that is. I could do other things that would serve my body WAY better than chocolate. Some examples: stretching, hot bath, quiet time, heating pad. Those are just some of the simple things. More importantly, I need to ask the Lord to help me replace that VERY bad habit in my life.
I'm in dire need of a weigh in. I don't know where I'm at with my weight loss right now, which makes me feel justified in my eating. The number (which I used to say I didn't care about) helps me to stay motivated for the week or helps me get my mind focused on better choices. I want this to be a life style change....but in order for that to happen I need to see my efforts have some affect on my overall weight battle. The battle is far from over.
This is typically the point where I become more lax. I'm at a weight where I can see the difference. But I want more than that. I want to be fit. I want to be healthy. I want my choices to reflect these desires.
I need to stay the course on this race to a healthier me.

Considering Commitment

OK, so I (Captain Mom) have been on the lookout for some motivation this week in my weight loss journey. At my Weight Watchers meeting tonight, our leader, Dale said something that really clicked for me. He said, "If you are looking at losing weight as your goal, you will go all out and quickly meet the goal and then go out and celebrate...probably with a hot fudge sundae. If you are looking at this as a lifestyle change, it really doesn't matter how long it takes." You have your entire life to get it right.

I will admit, on one hand (the one in which my commitment-phobia apparently resides), committing to something for the rest of my life is incredibly daunting. But, on the other hand, it sounds incredibly inviting to me. It takes the pressure off of having to get it all right. The beauty of it is that even though I am not getting it all right...I am not getting it all wrong. I am losing weight, fraction by fraction and slowly beginning to assimilate healthier habits into my daily life. I have the time to make the changes as best as I can. I can grace myself on the days that I emotionally eat because my life feels overwhelming. There is no weight loss disclaimer that states, "Diet over, December 10, 2007. Any and all weight not lost by this date will have to be carried into Eternity."

So, I am sure I will continue to have my moments of discouragement. I am sure I will continue to feel as though it is taking a long time to lose the weight. But for now, I stand tall and declare that I have lost .4 pounds in the last 3 weeks. I have lost 10.8 pounds in the 13 weeks since I began. At this current rate, without making any more changes, I could potentially meet my goal in about 9 months. SO WHAT if it takes that long...I'm going to be living my life anyway. If I wasn't doing this, I would probably have gained 10 pounds in the same amount of time. In order to maintain the weight loss, I am going to have to continue these same lifestyle choices anyway. So, why would it matter if I am losing or maintaining 9 months from now? What matters is that I am practicing a healthy lifestyle that my daughter can begin to model.

Most importantly, I feel free. Free to be myself. Free to make mistakes. Free to learn from my mistakes and do better next time. Free from self-imposed timetables. Free to know that I can make even healthier choices down the road. Free to make the changes I want to make today.

Thank you Dale for the motivation!

This weeks babystep: Drink more water (and free drinks that count as water).

My relationship with the wagon...on again, off again

So, in this journey of life, I have been trying to lose weight. I am trying to get to the point where I can say (and mean) I am trying to get healthy, but the fact of the matter is, that right now, I want to lose weight. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I no longer want my emotions to control what I put in my mouth. The Cutie and I just returned from a 2 1/2 week vacation where I am ashamed to say I feel off the wagon. Actually, I leaped off...it wasn't really accidental, which "fell off" does imply. I did not count points. I did not eat healthily. I did not even touch the workout dvd I had taken with me...unless you count the time that the Cutie pulled it out and I quickly took it from her little hands and returned it to the suitcase. (Well, I didn't want it to get scratched!) And the worst part was, there was no good reason for it. We rarely went out to dinner. There were not a whole lot of tempting snacks around the house. I had plenty of times when it was quiet at the house and no one was using either of the 2 dvd players. Frankly, I was just being lazy. So here it is, in all my realness, my revelation. It sounds silly when I admit it to myself, but it is true. I want to do this "diet thing" behind closed doors. I don't want to admit to others that I am trying to lose weight. Somehow in my mind, by saying it out loud, I am admitting to others that I am fat...as if they can't see the evidence for themselves. As if they wouldn't notice if I hadn't brought it up. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone other than myself, but now it is out there...for all of you to see :) I am not sure that this counts as incredible vulnerability knowing that currently, we have no other readers. But just knowing that others could stumble over here and might just endure one of my ramblings long enough to find this post, somehow makes it a little more risky...baby steps!

OK, back on task. What am I going to do?? Frankly, I am not quite sure. I don't want to be one of those people who tells everyone I meet about my "weight loss journey". But, I need some balance. I think part of the reason I keep it to myself is so that I won't feel like others are judging my choices. Maybe a little pressure knowing that others may think, "chocolate cake, again...interesting choice for someone who wants to lose a few..." maybe that will help me to think twice (some of the times). I don't know. What I do know is that I do really want this. I need to somehow reprogram my thinking so that I am willing to do the hard work now so I can reap the rewards later. Like I said before, I want to get to the point where I make good choices because it is good for my body. But right now, truth be told, when Major Hunk comes home for R&R, I want to feel confident enough in the way I look that I don't go hide in the dark...and eat ice cream. So, that is my goal, for now. Stay focused on the fact that in about 4 months, someone else will see this body naked. (aaaahhh!) If you'll excuse me, I have to go dig out that workout video now...